How a White Girl Does Life

December 13, 2016 For the first time in my life I realized something, I'm am free to dress, act and be who I want. Someday, I will find someone who wants me for me. Until then, God is telling me that I am not ready; even if I think I am. I have spent so much time telling myself I am not worth it or am a trashcan that no one would ever look at me. Well guess what? If I tell myself that long enough, maybe I'll believe it or the people around me will. I was made a unique puzzle piece and the way I am for a reason. I should not try to change that but I do. Tonight I realized that the more I keep putting myself down; the more I keep pushing people away. I have to accept who I am because that freedom will let me be truly happy. That happiness breeds beauty that only God can create. While finals week is stressful, I'm exhausted all the time and I don't know how I'm going to get everything done, I am free. I am not a trashcan. Never have been and never will be. It

December 10, 2016 I have done a lot of thinking in the past few days about who I am and what I want in a guy. Not the superficial things but the deep things that make up who we are deep down. Specifically, I feel that as a female I want a man to pursue me because I matter. Not to be conceited but I am special and the guy I date should see that. Therefore some guy who give me an unanswered question, I feel, doesn't see my worth. I'm not saying that a girl can't go for what she wants because any girl has every right to do what she wants. I just want a guy that see the worth created in me by God and pursues me for those reasons. As much as I want someone right now because I'm so tired of being alone. I have my own human timeline in mind that I have forgotten what it means to have someone truly pursue you. I look at it like this; years ago, I watched this devotional thingy and it asked the question "are you the person you're looking for is looking for?&qu

December 8, 2016 One of the worst feelings is asking a question and getting the response "I don't know." However, I have been learning that in life, many times our answer is exactly that. Whether those questions are asked about our careers, relationships, friends or family but not having answers can be really frustrating but you know those answers should be found? (Cliche white girl answer coming) Those answers should be found in God. While it can be hard to listen because God isn't instant. In our world today, everything we want is at our fingertips, but God doesn't work like that and accepting that fact is so hard to accept. Patience has not been my virtue as a young Padawan (Star Wars pun intended). However, as I have grown as an adult and Christian I have had to learn that the things I ask for may not get answers right away. While I sit and pray to God for wisdom and answers about a list of different things; right now I still don't have answers to

December 4, 2016 So there's this boy. The start of every basic white girl "love" story ever. After I had my heart broken by my best friend I told my self no more. I couldn't handle it. Well, my heart didn't listen. A couple of my girl friends and I went to Applebee's after a football game one night and were having a heart to heart about life. Then in walked this tall, attractive boy and it hit me like a ton of bricks that "HEY, he's cute!!" He and his friends were escorted by the hostess past our table and he said hi to me and I sunk into our booth like a turtle. I didn't know what to do, so I didn't. For weeks, I ignored how I felt but it started to eat at me. I sought the approval of one of my friends to pursue him because I didn't think I could. After a push to talk to my friend about other things in my life, I opened up and told him about Applebee's boy. He was totally chill and was like "girl, don't let me cont

November 28, 2016 I was listening to this song by Parachute on the car drive back to school the other day and started thinking about love. Especially, when it is said in a relationship. What does it mean? When is too soon? What weight does that carry in a relationship? Are these things that people think about when they say I love you? Are they things that should be thought about? Then I thought about my parents. They have been married for 27 or 28 years and have had a lot of struggles along the way and their marriage isn't perfect but they do love each other. You know how I know? "It can light you up, it can leave you cold." My dad saw six years of cold. He stayed by my mom's side through it. That's love. My mom and dad spent six years basically not talking at all. From what I remember of it all, the only conversations they had was when they fought about stupid small stuff. When you can go through years of fighting but still get through it with Christ. That

November 20, 2016 I sat in church today and sang a hymn that I know so well but today I found a different meaning in it. Instead of singing meaningless lyrics, I realized how much truth there is in them. To sing "nothing but the blood of Jesus" made me think, what about the blood I shed? Not for others but that I do to myself. That's a triggering thought for a lot of people and I'm not exempt from that somedays. I'll be the first person to admit that there are days where it is really hard to walk away from my self-harm but then today, I realized that I'm not hurting just me. I see how selfish my self-harm can be. When I decide to cut, I'm not just cutting me but Christ. (Woah...) As a child of Christ, I carry him through his sprit in me. Which means that the blood I shed isn't just mine. What gives me the right to tarnish the blood that Christ shed for me on the cross? As a meaningless, sinful human, I don't have that right. While I haven

November 4, 2016 Crisp fall mornings with coffee and a Bible could not be more perfect! However, as I sat down to read this morning it was the first time all week. I felt like crap for not making more time for it but then my RA told me something that really hit home. We don't have to be perfect everyday of reading our Bibles. We are not perfect humans so it's okay to not have everything together everyday. While we strive for perfectionism; we fall short. God loves us anyways. Maybe it's saying a five second prayer everyday and then spending an hour and a half one a week. Maybe it's having time everyday to sit for that hour and a half. It's about balance. Which is hard, right? College is so much. Between classes, homework, studying, friends, extra-curricular stuff and everything in between it's hard to make time. That is okay to struggle to find balance. It has taken me years to even start to get my footing on how to handle everything. However, it hasn&

October 31st, 2016 A post on Halloween would thought to center around what costume I wore or what parties I attended but instead I spent my weekend in concert madness. This weekend was homecoming for my university which meant football, basketball, a MercyMe concert and then I had the opportunity to go see Needtobreathe last night in Chicago. Keep in mind that Needtobreathe is one of my favorite bands almost ever and to be in standing room only like four to five rows from the stage was a bucket list check for me. To be in a room full of people who are totally different but all screaming lyrics at the top of their lungs is an indescribable experience. That was the icing on the cake of my weekend though because Friday and Saturday were great as well. Friday was rough because our football game was awful but our halftime show was pretty flawless. While I was salty about life, I realized how many people in my band I love so much. Then half-price apps at Applebee's turned my nig

October 24, 2016 This morning is the first in what feels like forever that I haven't had a million different things to get done. I had class but now I am sitting, listening to music and relaxing in my devotions. Usually, Mondays are long, exhausting or some other negative adjective because it is the beginning of a week. While normally I would fall into this category, I realized that worrying about the rest of this week is only going to make me nervous and stressed. Honestly, it's a much better Monday to just breathe. (As much as possible since I'm sick haha) This mellow Monday of relaxing with coffee and Jesus is a great way to start a week. Taking some time for myself at the beginning to say I'm important is just a necessary as my trying to be there for others. God can give this unexplainable peace, joy and mellowness that makes tackling the world so much easier. Take it from the girl who is like a constant ball of stress, God is a great stress reliever. How

October 20th, 2016 Have you ever had moments in your life where you knew you had to decide if something was going to ruin your day or if you were going to give it to God? I walked into chapel this morning after having an argument with my roommate and realized that I had to make that decisions. So I cried and I prayed. God, I give this to you because I have done what I can do. Please soften her heart to know that I am sorry for her feeling hurt. Then I felt even more worried because Satan started to talk. What if she decides to hold a grudge? What if she doesn't get over being angry? Then I remembered Matthew 6:25. Look it up! It lifted to much weight off my shoulders. Even in our moments where we are having spats with roommates, family, friends, or even signifiant others worrying is not going to make it easier. God will. I decided to just let go of my fear and let God's presence wash over me. It was freeing to know that He will make it okay. I felt the weight of my

October 19th, 2018 Today I have a meeting to learn more about my university's MIA mission trip to Honduras. My heart is so full at the idea of going to this country. I haven't set foot there but I want to. This white as it gets white girl has half a heart in Honduras. While, I have to apply to go on the trip, get accepted and raise money for it, I have the outlook that if God has truly called me there he will provide. I know this sounds cliche but my heart is yearning and God knows those desires. While I feel called I also see the other people interested in going and see how many new friendships to be made. God is good and sometimes brings people to us we didn't think we would ever meet. Sometimes people who you think you don't have anything in common with will surprise you. I keep praying for this country and the love I have for it. My heart is in Honduras. Where is yours? xoxo, Em

October 3,  2016 I had a friend ask me what I do to bring joy into my life. A simple yet thought-provoking question. What do I do to make me happy? To be honest, I didn't have an answer for her. Then I realized that I don't have a huge ritual for everyday but small things throughout each day or week. How I sit and drink coffee, read my bible and listen to my favorite music during chapel hour. Or how I sit and write out how I'm feeling about the things going on in my life. Those mornings make my whole day better. Also, I pray for Sundays because of church and Dunkin or Starbucks. Every Sunday before church I go get coffee for church. They are such small tokens of time but they make me so eternally happy. I realized that sometimes you just need to sit around with friends laughing, taking ridiculous snapchats of each other. It makes me smile and happy at how blessed I am by God. Those moments are when I see how joyful I am or can be. While I may not have a specific a

September 29, 2016 It's 7:45 am and I am waiting for my class to start but on my way to class this morning I realized how cold, rainy and gloomy today was going to be. But you know what? I am very happy this morning! Lately, I have been learning what it means to really see the good in the bad. Otherwise, I become self-absorbed and dense.  That is not what I want and I'm sure you don't either. Then the question is, how do we see the good in the bad? Or as I like to put it, the rainbows in the midst of rain? We have all have those moments where our lives seem like we have a rain cloud following us around. That rain cloud is Satan trying to show us all the bad things about our lives. However, there is a rainbow to bring us light and that is Christ. I never paid attention to the fact that God is a source of goodness and light through every trial of my life. I should have paid more attention to the fact when I was throwing my pity party about being single. That's whe

September 16, 2016 My whole life I have struggled with my self worth and there are some days like today when the struggle rears its ugly head. When the guy you kinda find attractive comes to ask for advice about another girl. Who just so happens to be younger and then once again it dawns on me that the guy I like picked a younger girl over me. All the thoughts of not being good enough come rushing back into my mind. Why aren't I enough? Am I not pretty enough? Smart enough? I never get an answer. Only rejection. Boys suck. That is my life motto but now I'm starting to wonder if I'm the problem not them. Which is sad because who I am shouldn't be rooted in how much boys like me. With society the way it is though, it's hard as a female for it now to be. I hate that it has become a normal to expect that guys won't like me back. That self-loathing and self-rejection is lethal to a female with self-worth issues. Then the voices in my head tell me it's tim

September 8, 2016 Yesterday, I had a conversation that I wasn't expecting to have and it went better than expected. Sometimes, you expect the worst in people and then they surprise you. Then, I realized how much a horrible person I can be by judging someone based on my emotions. (Bad life choice!) Then, I once again have a realization that pushing people out because of others isn't right but how often do we find ourselves doing it? Or how often do we justify it because of our anger and emotions? Too often, we let our emotions make our decisions instead of trying to be reasonable or logical about the situation. It can be hard to "check" ourselves when we know that we will be wrong or our actions will be. However, it can be redeeming to realize that you're wrong and move past it. While it can be awkward to have those conversations, the freedom that comes from them is unexplainable sometimes. I was wrong. Very wrong. I judged and then I realized I didn't

September 6, 2016 As I was driving with my oboe sister around this morning and afternoon, it dawned how I also want to go forward and then go right back to square one. How can anything change when every time I want to go forward I take one step forward and then I go back to how things were before. After a while, I realize how nothing has changed and get frustrated. I never took the time to realize that part of that was me. I have to learn that baby steps are important and as small as they might be every small step forward is a step forward. Right now, things are hard and crazy but I have to find a way forward. Life is a constantly changing process and that means that who I am is changing and the people in my life are changing too. Friends come and go. No matter how hard that might be to believe that someone isn't a part of my life. Staying in square one is the same frustrating process over and over again. All it does is create pain and aggravation. What's the point of

September 4, 2016 What do you do when you have a heart to heart screaming match with someone you love and they don't listen to anything you thought you had talked about? I thought he understood. I learned I was wrong. As many times as I have talked at him, he doesn't understand. I thought this time was different. (Wrong again). The pain continues. I thought I could handle him picking her. I was wrong a third time. (Notice a pattern?) The idea of her drove me crazy. The photos of them aggravated me. Seeing him kiss her; tore my heart out of my chest. That pain when you can physically feel your heart strings breaking. It sucks. What makes it worse? I told him how I feel. That I love him too much to stand by and watch him get hurt. What did he say? Nothing. "I'm drawing a blank." Fill your blank space with leaving my heart alone. I'm at a loss of how to make him understand how much he hurts me. I can't watch him pick her. I cannot pick up the pieces

September 1, 2016 Recently, I have learned what it means to let go of people who you don't necessarily want to but I have had to. How I said that there are best friends worth the heart break? It's sad to see someone who was my best friend become someone I don't even want to see. I have realized how incredibly hard it is to watch someone chose someone else over you. Then, they continue to act as if nothing is wrong or nothing ever happened. This was the point when he became a hi, bye, how are you friend. I can't keep emotionally investing in him when I know that he doesn't return the investment. It is so incredibly difficult to watch him make that investment in someone else. However, for my own emotional stability I had to let him go. If you love something set it free, right? So I love him and I have to let him go. Do I want to, no. Do I need to, yes. For now, I avoid him because it hurts too much to see him. Someday it won't hurt. Someday I will find s

August 24, 2016 Have you ever been in the middle of a tunnel in life and don't know how to find a way out? I've been experiencing a lot of that lately. Not in a depression sense of my life but more in the purpose of it. (If that makes any sense). I feel as though I am marking time through life not really connecting in what I am supposed to be doing. It's a weird feeling. When we, our marching band, went to church together on Sunday the pastor was talking about relationships and three levels of connections we can have. It got me thinking about my own friendships and relationships but also about the connections of my life. What if I haven't been connecting in the ways God is calling me because I am too focused on marking time through life? I realized how much more intentional I need to be with my life. I realized how much I don't want people in my life unless they are "real" friends. So I have decided to do a life cleanse. My life cleanse just mean

August 11, 2016 It's such a cliche phrase that we use all the time. Plaster on a smile and say we're all good until something happens to shatter the pieces on the floor. I thought I was the queen of fake it till you make it until I realized how much it hurt. Then, I also realized how much I do it everyday of my life in some way. But sometimes, it feels like I have to do that with my whole life. Almost like, nothing in my life is good so I have to fake it all. Where do I learn to stop? Where do I draw the line and say I'm not okay. Or to say, I'm fine and truly mean it. I don't know. I know that hurt is a part of life but sometimes fake it till you make it doesn't work. The hurt is too much. That's when I have to try and remember that my worth isn't defined in others. It is defined by a God who loves me so much I will never understand. Days like today where it feels like fake it till you make it isn't good enough is when I need God the most. R

August 10, 2016 So I haven't sat down to write anything in what feels like forever. I wonder if it's because nothing has happened sometimes or if I just don't feel like writing. Honestly, it's more that I haven't had a reason or anything substantial to write about until now. Do you know what it feels like to fall for your best friend and then see them date someone else? I do. It's hard. It infuriated me. I didn't know I could be so mad at someone I loved so much. I realized that holding everything inside was going to destroy our friendship. Best friendship at that. My question then became; what do I do? I vented with ice cream to a friend before realizing that I had to just be honest with Fluffy. Good, bad and everything in between. Honestly, I was a little scared because I let it all go and just let out how I felt. What's crazy to me is that he understood. He realized how much he had hurt me. Without even noticing that he'd done it and he apol

July 7, 2016 So I haven't written in I don't even know how long. too long. So my summer has been a whirlwind and now I am only a few weeks from going back to school. (I think) I've never had to worry about paying for it till now but now I am. It made me realize how much I take my education for granted. I always thought it would be so easy to get my education and it isn't. I don't know how I overlooked or overthought that but I did. Now I face the scary idea of losing my education. While, my parents says it will be okay but I don't know that and it worries me. I hope that I get it all figured out but for now I am just holding it all in. So I'm bottling again. I just keep having faith that God has a plan and only he knows it. It's really just one of those days where I want to cry for no reason and that seems pointless to me. I also realize that if I don't get it out then it's going to make it worse. Do you just need to cry today? xoxo,

June 2, 2016 I have realized over being home for the past almost month that there is this slump that comes with being home. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to work out, read my Bible, or keep on my school reading. (it's really bad) How do I overcome this? That's a really great question. I have not figured it out yet. I want to do theses things I just can't find the motivation or routine to keep at it. It's this realization that makes me miss being at school so much. I miss being able to go to the library and reading and constantly working. It's times like this that I long for summer to be over so I can get back to the grind of school. It's times like this that I have to remember the times at school where I prayed for a break. I have to try and soak up the sun and take my summer slump to chill for myself. I have to find a way to beat the summer slump. How are you beating the heat of summer? xoxo, Em

May 18, 2016 I always used to think that tattoos were taboo growing up but as I got older I wanted them. Then, as I went through some hardship with my depression and self-harm I had scriptures that stuck with me that I wanted as tattoos. With a lot of convincing my dad was okay with it. (sorta) However, after I got my second one he asked me, "how many more are you going to get?" Honestly, the question had never really crossed my mind. I had only assumed it would be the two that I have. When I fell apart this past semester, I has to rebuild and in that I realized that I wanted another tattoo. As I was working with my counselor to find myself again, something dawned on me. Something that I had struggled with almost all of my life. I am made the way I am for a reason. I am made in the image of a God who hand-crafted the whole universe and that includes me. My God is perfect and doesn't make mistakes. Therefore, I am made perfectly in his image. No I'm not perfect b

May 13, 2016 Since I have been home for the past week it has been a roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes in these roller coasters it's hard to trust that God is in control. The past few weeks my church at school was talking about "life without a script" but what does that mean? For me, it's having faith that as my story is playing out; God is in control and is the one dictating my script. (Not going to lie, it's really hard) Between a crazy family situation that is totally out of control, it makes my heart hurt. With other stress from work things with my family I'm struggling to have faith. It makes me question why do good things happen to bad people? I have to remember that Satan is running our material world. Now more than ever I have to lean into God's plan because this world is only temporary. My mom is the one who has been reminding me about that. She tells me "have faith, remember?" While I am normally the strong in God; now my mom

May 4, 2016 Today I finished my second year of college classes and I don't understand how time has flown so fast. Just yesterday it seemed like I was a doe-eyed freshman that didn't know anything about studying or college. Now, I realized that in August I will be a junior and heck if I know what I'm doing with my life. I also see how much is the past nine months I have become a completely different person. Everyone changes in college and I was always told that when I graduated college I would be a completely different person. Well low and behold, my mom was right. (once again!) My RA from last year asked me, "what have I learned this year?" Answer: a lot of things. About myself and the people around me. I've seen what it means to fall into a pit and not know how a way out and then what it means to find a way out. The people that are there through the pit and love you through it are the people who genuinely love you. While this year I don't have the b

April 29, 2016 Today I had counseling for the last time this semester and honestly maybe ever. Which is crazy to think about because I have been going for the past two years but yet today I found something life changing. For the past year, I have been learning about reframing my mindset and the power of overcoming depression through my perspective. Today, I found that my depression doesn't control me and how I think or my life choices. For the first time in my life, I feel clear and like I am strong, independent and don't need depression, self-harm or suicide as an answer. (Whoa!) I am not controlled by it or Satan. No more footholds for him to drag me into the black abyss of depression. Who I am now is a completely different person then who I was when I started the year in August. It has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs with my depression and I had a fall. Hard. However, when everything was gone and had nothing I found God. When there was nothing left I had God to

April 26, 2016 Two more weeks in the semester. It is officially crunch time and I have no idea how I am going to get through everything when I feel like a scatter brain. It is so hard when my brain is everywhere. Between school, boys, friends, summer plans and next year I have no idea how to compartmentalize what to do first. Or better yet, what do I focus on and how do I focus. I have started walking on a regular basis to try and get out of my own head. While, I wander around campus and listen to EDM music I find peace. Which is extremely weird because EDM is one of the least peaceful types of music. Yet, when I can lay in the grass and look at the incredible campus God has blessed me with, I see him working and the music and nature connects. I find focus on nature and on God. How do I connect that to school? (Great question) I am trying to figure that part out. It is so hard to have focus with everything going on and so I keep pushing. While my semester winds down and I don

April 23, 2016 You know the memories you have that are crystal clear and they feel like they were yesterday? Even thought they were weeks, months, or even years ago but they're still crystal clear. I've had a flood of those the past twenty-four hours and I don't know why but it's made me think. Why these specific memories? Some good and some bad but they are imprinted on my memory. Or the experiences that are incredible but the life choice is bad. It begs so many questions. Like was it a bad decision if the memory is good? Does one bad memory taint all the other good ones of one person? I don't have answers to these questions but they have been racing through my mind lately. Especially when I found out that I lost the short one. Forever. She hasn't spoken to me since the night of the fall and now she won't ever. She isn't coming back in August so I realized that she's gone. The last words she said to me "I don't know what to say to you

April 18, 2016 It is a sad realization when we find that someone who we were so close with is now a stranger to us, but what if that realization and separation is what's best? Friday morning I realized that I lost three of my best friends and I will probably never get them back. While it hurt, it wasn't the normal chest breaking, heart racing pain that I normally felt. Not that I didn't care but I was at a point of "it's their loss, not mine." It was something that my counselor pointed out to me that I'd never had before. I keep blaming myself for everything that is wrong in my life but what if it isn't all me? (for the first time in my life) I'm not always the one who is wrong. I caused hurt and I know that and I have taken the responsibility for my actions. From there, the possibilities are endless. Letting go of the hurt and those people is hard but because of it I am stronger. I walk around my beautiful campus smiling because I know God

April 12, 2016 How many times throughout our day or lives do we dwell on what we would say if we had that one opportunity to face someone? An ex, old friend, someone who was your best friend, no matter who we think about what we would say. Would you be angry, hurt, sorry? All of the above. (That's me) Especially if I think about how many people I have hurt or been hurt by my words or theirs. Some I have apologies, others anger and some I don't have words just hurt. As I walked to class this morning, I heard a song by Sidewalk Prophets that started the little hamster in my head of thoughts about words. While, I want to have anger and hurt I just thought about these words and would they be helpful or hurtful? I realized that no matter how I feel what I need to say is. "Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope. You're gonna do great things, I already know. God's got his hand on you so don't live life in fear. Forgive and forget but don't forget why

April 8, 2016 It surprises me how fast friendships and relationships change. One day you go from being best friends and sisters with someone to them completely ignoring your existence. Has there become this idea that relationships are one sided? I was raised that any conflict is two-sided. All relationships are two way streets. Therefore, one person cannot fix everything. If I am trying to fix the path of our relationship but they put up a massive sign and orange barrels; there isn't much I can do. I have found that all I can do is love them anyways and pray. (Cliche I know) It hurts. But all relationships do. When you care, you open yourself to vulnerability and getting hurt. Sometimes more than you would ever want to admit. (I'm there) However, there are the friends that are God given blessings. Those are the ones that you need to hold onto because they're irreplaceable. They can be the biggest role models for what a true friend looks like. (I missed that a lot.)

April 5, 2016 I hate the feels. They make life so much more complicated then it needs to be. Especially, when it's your best guy friend. Sometimes I truly question whether guys and girls can be just friends. Better question. Why did I tell him? Because I feel like being honest is the best approach. Was I wrong? Is it better to not say anything and still have feels or say something and possibly hurt the friendship? Both decisions suck. (ugh!) Now that he knows I feel better because I can be honest with myself and move on. (That's super hard though). I know that for the sake of our "bestie" relationship, I have to learn to love him like a brother. But how? (heck if I know!) I want to be sorry for saying anything but I also know that it was the best decision. (I think?) Why do feels have to make things so awko taco? Stupid feels. Sometimes I wish I didn't have them. Do you have the feels? xoxo, Em

March 30, 2016 I couldn't be more cliche white girl if I didn't say "let go and let God" everyday but what does it mean? We paint it on canvas for art and make it backgrounds of phones and computers but what does it truly mean to let go and let God? I don't have all the answers but I have one. I found it today in chapel. (this post gets more and more cliche as we go) I know what it means to let go. To not be in control. The short one always told me that I held on too tight. I held on to trying to control everything until my hands would turn white and go numb. I fought her on it that she didn't understand but you know what? She was right. I should've listened. Today, it hit me in the face. I felt the weight of everything I have been trying to carry and I couldn't stand it. I fell. Right onto my knees on an altar. I finally let go. There was this feeling of me trying not to carry everything myself. I have held onto anger, sadness, hopelessness,

March 29, 2016 I woke up this morning and felt like myself for the first time in a very long time. I missed her. I forgot what it was like to have this hunger for God and helping people. I feel like I'm finally myself. No, I'm not suddenly okay. I know that today is a better day but there will be bad days. However, I feel like God is behind me to help me get through those days. This is the first time I've felt completely submerged in God. You might ask why today? Honestly, I don't know. I just know that God is here and in control. (wow! I really feel that) The girl who loves Jesus has reappeared. I found my fire for the Lord again. Praise the Lord! I found a piece of myself this morning. It's nice to feel like a part of myself is rebuilt and it's the most important part of who I am. All I know is that I thank God that I found my love of Him and my walk with him again. Life is a puzzle. Lots of pieces that make up the whole picture of our lives and ou

March 21, 2016 Today I had counseling for the first time since having my meltdown and I realized that I have to take care of myself. (This is foreign to me). Normally, when I have a meltdown I move on and forget that it happened or just act like it's not a big deal. (Not a good approach). This time it's different because I can't shake the feeling of being not okay. That is what changes everything. Today, my counselor had me make a list of things I like to do for myself. Which, I never really thought about what I like to do for myself. I always did was was best to help everyone around me. But what about me? (It seems so selfish to actually think of myself. Is it?) Real talk though. I miss reading my Bible regularly, feeling happy, supporting those around me, and feeling like things are good in my life. I don't know how to get back there but I think I found a start. I'm not okay but I will be. Today I found that I have to take care of myself even if I don

March 18, 2016 Have you ever hurt the people around you without even noticing it? I have. I never knew that my struggle and my decisions about self-harm and depression hurt those around me. Until I did. I realized that my cry for help is scary and can trigger the people around me. I hurt them almost more then I hurt myself. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to reach out for help. I never did until I was spiraling out of control. I hurt my one of my best friends... I don't even know how to begin to tell her I'm sorry. So on the off chance she reads all of this. Friend,     I love you. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I never knew how much you cared about me or how much I was hurting and triggering you. The fact that I scared you and tore your heart into pieces and I'm so sorry. I know that I'm not okay anymore and need help. I know that I'm not okay and I need help. and I don't ask for it. There aren't enough I'm sorrys for the pain I c

March 14, 2016 Today is my first official day as an adult and it's been insane. I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day. With all the school work I have to do, ministry meetings, class, studying, papers, and trying to fit in meals and socializing there aren't enough hours in a day. However, I will say that I couldn't ask for a better day. As busy as I am, I also realize how incredibly lucky I am to have all the people in my life who care about me. Yesterday the short one, the hare, my oboe sister, my little sister and fluffette all planned a day for me once I drove back to school. While I was freaking out about not knowing what was going on, I realized that they had done something and didn't tell me. The question was what. They took me bowling (which I'm awful at). Then we had tacos and exploding Dr. Pepper, Doritos and kittens. I had so many laughs with them and couldn't have asked for a better way to spend m

March 10, 2016 I have spend most of my life stressing about what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next year, and even in the next five or ten years. I realized that it makes everything hazy and confusing. Today was one of those days where I was overanalyzing everything in my life but didn't know what to do with it all. However, I sat down and somehow this overwhelming peace fell over me. I realized that I'm not in control of my life and trying to control it isn't working. I had to let it all go. I found contentment in that. I don't know what's going to happen but God is good all the time. All the time, God is good. (great movie reference btw!) He has it all figured out so I just need to go will the flow. (for me that's almost impossible) However, for once I feel good. I realized that my life is good and God is in control. Wow... for the first time in my life I don't feel controlling. I feel like I can do life and be okay. It is freeing to kn

March 4, 2016 Good morning world! Snowy, frozen world... ugh. Today is my last day of class before spring break and I think about how many people are going to Florida, South Carolina, or London and I feel all the jealously. I will be going back home which is still in the Midwest. So I have snow. ewww. I love to look at snow but not the cold, wet and awful that comes with it. (nah) It's days like today that make me want to move somewhere like London where it's cold but not not 20. I wish I could wake up, drink a cup of coffee while reading and walk outside and see Big Ben or Westminster Abbey in my backyard. Oh how I miss London. I can't believe it has been almost three months since I was there. I just want to go back. (maybe even permanently) While I dream of London, I also think of all the other places in the world I want to travel to. Eight years from now my best friend and I are going to Italy to just see it. I'm so excited about it. We are going to see Sar

March 2,  2016 I have just come to the recent realization that guys are really confusing. After almost 20 years of dealing with them you'd think I would've learned by now? (No). Distinguishing between whether or not a guy friend is just being nice or being flirty is so hard. Especially, when you are getting to know him. One of my closest guy friends who is slowly becoming my best guy friend has driven this struggle bus for me. He is a super touchy person but I never knew if he was being flirty with it or it was just how he was. The hugs and kind of hand holding was so confusing. There would be moments when I would say "yes he is flirting" and moments when "no he is just being nice." How do you distinguish between nice and flirty? In my experience, the only way to know is to ask. (grasp!!) I know the awkward conversation about are we friends or more than friends is never comfortable. Having a DTR (define the relationship) with anyone isn't easy

March 1, 2016 I've been an only child my whole life and have longed to have sisters and siblings. I never had them until I came to college. Here I found my floor last year that was full of sisters and now I have three of them that I couldn't do life without. Each of us is different in our own way but we know how to build each other up and be strong for each other when one of us can't. I learned that lesson the hard way. However, they have been there to support me and love me through it all. The short one was on my floor last year and we hated each other for the longest time. Finally, we met in the middle and realized that we have SO many similarities in our struggles. We didn't agree on our faith but I just kept throwing scripture at her until, hopefully, she'd believe it. Finally she did and now she throws scripture at me! We became so close we wanted to live together this year but jk God had a different plan. We had a falling out at the beginning of August b

February 29, 2016 Today only comes around once every four years so what do you do with a WHOLE extra day? I have never given much thought to a leap day but today is special because God is working in funny ways. He calls people to do crazy things. For me, it is trying to build a ministry from the ground up about mental health advocacy and chipping at the stigma of mental health. As my team and I have been praying, building and working on starting this ministry we wanted to be acknowledged by our university and we gave them until the end of February to get back to us. Today, we have a meeting with them. (God has a humor. A singular humor pointed at my friends and I). On a leap day that only comes around once every four years, God has given us today to take a leap into the process of trying to build this ministry. How does that freaking happen??  God made it happen. Well... shoot. Alright, time for big girl boots and big decisions in how this ministry is going to grow. I have ha

February 23, 2016 Robert Frost said "two roads diverge in a yellow wood" but what if there are like five roads? I have found that God does funny things sometimes. Where there are five or six different roads or doors to pick from and how do you know which one to pick? For example, I have found that I want to go to pharmacy school but how do I know if it is right? I am following one road that I feel God is calling me to. From there, I just jump into faith of what God is doing in my life. I have learned that I won't fully understand everything that He does. Only that my life is in God's plan and timing. (His timing is perfect, you know?) Can you believe that? The God who created the whole universe knows you and me. Who we are, what our life is going to be like and everything we do wrong. Guess what? God still loves us and knows us and is in control. Another diverging road is where do I devote my time outside of class? With marching band, orchestra, trying to star

February 19, 2016 Today is like any other day. Except, today I do not want to eat. I want to curl up in a ball, cry and never come out. Today is a low day for me. Today my brain decided that it didn't want to make enough dopamine. So no matter how hard I try, it will be almost impossible for me to be happy and smiley. I hate these days. It's days like today where I question everything. What am I doing with my life? Why am I here? Why do I have the flaws that I do? Why am I not good enough? So many questions and no answers. I look at the semicolon ring on my finger and remember to keep going. Even on days like today, keep going! There is more to life than just today. Right? Honestly, I don't know sometimes. How can I overthink so many things at one time? I make my life so much harder than I need to. If I could just turn it off, life would be easier. That's not how it works though, is it? I know there are people who love and support me but on days like today,

February 18, 2018 Today I changed what I want to do with my life. For the last year and a half I wanted to be a forensic toxicologist but today I realized that's not what I wanted to do. I want to be a pharmacist. Most people hear of pharmacy and only think of the money behind it but what about the medicine of it? The chemistry of it? I love that part of it! When someone is sick and I will be able to find medication to help them. I just want to help people and have found that pharmacy is how I can do that. You would think that when I found a passion in my life that my family would be supportive. However, the second I deviate from the plan my mother has for my life it falls apart. Why can't I do what makes me happy? I know it's not going to be easy. But anything worth having isn't easy. Can't they just understand that? I guess not. My whole life I have bent over backwards to please other people and do what they want. However, I have realized what about me? Se

February 18, 2016 This morning in chapel we heard about how stereotypes add to racism in society today. The more our chaplain talked the more I thought about the different labels we give people everyday. As much of a laugh as being a basic white girl is, I may dress in scarves, cardigans, and boots but I'm not a dumb blonde. Was Elle Woods my role model growing up? Yes! However, I have learned that while I might be blonde I'm not a dumb one most times and I'm not just a basic white girl either. I struggle with self-esteem issues, so don't think that I am saying that I am by any means smarter than you, i.e. the person reading this. I am saying that as a Chemistry major I like science and to learn. I may not always use my brain but it's there. And since today is the day that our school newspaper is writing about me and one of my best friends' struggles I will lay it out here. I have struggled with my self-esteem my whole life and what size I am. In my eyes

February 15, 2016 Two in one day? This won't happen very often but I have something on my mind that I can't hold onto anymore. Today I found out that I lost a family member's four year-old yesterday. How can God do that? She had her whole life ahead of her and before you know it she's gone. Why? I want to be so mad at God but I know his timing is perfect. 2 Peter 3:8 talks about how God's timing is so different from ours and it is which is why we don't understand it. I hate not understanding things. If I don't know why it kills me. As a friend told me, when you don't know what to do. Pray. I cry out the anger and frustration and kneel at the cross and surrender everything. When there is nothing else there is God. A loving God. So I walk with God and question but at the end of the night know that God is good all the time and all the time God is good. I have learned that God does what he wants in his perfect plan and I don't understand it. I mi

February 15, 2016 I always said blogging was stupid and was for the Serena Van Der Woodsens of the world. If you don't know who SVDW is then you haven't watched Gossip Girl, the white girl staple Netflix binge. However, I find myself as a SVDW writing my own blog. Why am I writing a blog? This is how I can cope with the pain of white girl life. Instead of using self-harm to tear my body apart I can use words to express myself. Basic white girl, right? I make no promises about the niceness or the morbidity of what some posts will bring but it will be me. White girl moments and all. Here I am. Almost 20, still trying to figure out who I am and what God's plan is for me. I will never fully understand how or why He does things, only that He does. All I ask is that as you read, you learn who I am and walk this life with me. Good, bad, and everything in between. Are you ready to take a leap of faith into the unknown of tomorrow? I am. xoxo, Em