How a White Girl Does Life

I wonder how many times a day I ask God for something. How many times do I ask for him to do this specific thing so I can love Him more or be a "better" Christian? Most days I don't keep track but when I do, it's too many. I constantly ask for things. I feel like I treat God like a genie in a bottle. I pour in requests because I want this or that out of my life. Then I get upset because I don't get what I want from God. Then I will stop and think, I'm so selfish. Who am I to treat God as a genie? I need to reorder my priorities in life. Such as yesterday. I got so upset at some really small things with my lab or my third class for  school. All these small voices that I couldn't make it. I don't have what it takes to make it through school. I was put school before God. School was my idol. So I started asking God for all the things I needed for school. I put God in a box or a bottle to get what I thought I needed for school. Boy was I wrong. When

As I am sitting in Panera eating lunch, it dawns on me that I was having a whole conversation with myself this morning about a post I was going to write. Needless to say, I didn't actually remember until right now. Since I visited my alma mater (that's weird) this past week, I have had to do a lot of self-reflecting on where I am in this stage of my life. Most people, either friends from undergrad or pharmacy school are married, engaged or in committed relationships and I am sitting here single as a pringle. Let me tell ya it does not feel good. However, one of my friends, I'm not sure which told me that to find the relationship I desire that I need to have joy and contentment in this stage. That really got me thinking about where I am and who I perceive God to be in my life. So often, I find myself angry that I prayed for something and God didn't answer my prayer or do so in the timely fashion I had hoped. This causes me to put God in a genie bottle and say that I

Yesterday, my dad sent me the beginning of the rules he lives his life by or life lesson he has learned along the way. I appreciated all of them but the last one stuck out to me in particular. Rule Ten: Remember where you came from and who you are.  As I have really pondered this idea since I started school, I came back to it yesterday. Who am I? Where do I come from? What do I want to represent in life? These are questions that beg for answers far greater than I can suffice. I spent all of high school wondering who I was but found my stride in college. Quite frankly since coming to professional school, I have started to wonder the same thing. How do I live like Jesus and love the people around me when it is the exact opposite of the culture? Don't we ask ourselves this all the time. Or maybe, it's just me. As a Christian, I constantly ask myself how do I live as Christ in a world ran by the devil? I really don't have an answer. Shocker. I don't know everythin

We all have our kryptonite, right? That one thing that gets us. Whether it's ice cream or a person, we have something. For me, it's a person. And I love him. Just saying that out loud is hard. We haven't had the easiest friendship for the four years of undergrad and the last couple of years were murky with feelings. When I graduated, we didn't talk and I had lost my closest guy friend that was a big rock in my life for a long time. Granted, there were big parts of my life he missed as I got into pharmacy school and what not but somehow he always ends up back in my life. I have truly questioned if it is the best decision or if I should just let him be. Every time, my heart and this voices tells me to let him in. He is my kryptonite. We fight. We don't talk. We come back. Then, we talk. I realize I still love him. I miss him not being in my life. I start to question again why. Why is he in my life? Why this season? Or why the last? It's not that I question

Sitting in class this morning, we decided that we were going to learn about suicide. The thing that I thought I left in my past after March 14th of 2016. Then as I was sitting, listening and learning, I realized that I have the chance to use my experience to help others. Which I guess, I always thought was the goal after overcoming my struggle. I thought I was supposed to be able to talk about my issues and help others. However, that is easier said then done most of the time. It isn't easy to directly ask someone if they are struggling with suicidal thoughts or ideation. When we don't ask or talk about it just emphasizes the stigma. I guess my question is that while I learn about transitioning into professional school why did I think I needed to leave my past behind? It is a part of who I am and what I have overcome in my life. I feel like I should use it. Talk about it. The more even ONE person talks about their past and their issues the more it will help even one pers

Today was the first day of the rest of my life. How cliche right? I had orientation today for pharmacy school. Honestly, it was overwhelming. It was a lot of information and new people. It was a lot of change. I realized that I don't like change. Maybe that's because I don't know what is going to happen in the change or how I could change in the face of adversity. Yet after church yesterday, I think I found some answers that gave me solitude for today. God is never changing. God is already there. God has already though 5 steps ahead and through plans A-Z. He knows every step that I am going to take whether it is good or bad. He knows that when things get back I will cry and when things are good I will still probably cry. Let's face it pharmacy school isn't easy. The next four years are going to be a lot of change. Maybe of me. Maybe not. Yet being afraid of the change does me no good. I have to learn to embrace it which is hard. I have also learned something

I'll admit when I was in high school, I was a wannabe. I wanted to fit it. Be popular. Be homecoming queen. All things that never happened. I spent most of middle and high school as the fat girl, the band nerd or the girl in academic bowl. No matter what I did I was always the outcast. I thought it would be different when I went to college. Halfway through college, I realized something huge. It does NOT matter how much I "fit in" because I was made the way I am for a reason. My story was written a specific order for a reason. I still struggled though with my own self worth and self image. Every time I looked in a mirror I hated that I wasn't small enough or pretty enough. I didn't fit the right stereotype. I was either too pretty to be smart or too smart to be pretty. I spent so much time searching for validation in my relationships with guys. I thought I had to have someone tell me I was good enough. As I sat in church on Sunday, I realized something huge

Have you ever had a moment where a single picture, song, smell, place or taste gives you a distinct memory or feeling? Most of the time they trigger memories of our childhood or a place we visited but yesterday I had this moment where I felt clarity. While I was scrolling through Instagram, I came across a photo posted by one of my used to be best friends. In the split second that I read the caption and glossed the photo, my feelings and directions felt very clear. In that moment, I felt free. Free to feel whatever I might. Free to love who I am. Free to be confident in who I am becoming. Free to not know what this transition in my life will look like. I was no longer afraid of what other people thought or who I would appear to be. I knew that I loved Jesus and that was all that mattered. I am not saying that I have it all figured out. Far from it but I know that God does. I'm not afraid of it. I have so much excitement to dive into my relationship with the Lord. That is ex

July 18th, 2018 What could you do with two hours? Take a nap, read a book, have coffee with a friend or even change a life. This week I have had two hours from Sunday through tomorrow to spend with small kids trying to change their lives. I only have 8 hours with them which is a exponentially small fraction of their lives. But in those 8 hours how much could we change? I mediated on this in church on Sunday and realized that the impact could be huge or nothing at all. I think in the grand scheme of it all my job is to love them. Even if they don't learn or get anything else from this week, they have to know someone loves them. I won't know what kind of home the kids come from or what they are going home to but for two small hours I get to be a part of their lives. It's like being a missionary but getting to do it in my own backyard. This time I don't have to overcome a language barrier as I did in Panama but that doesn't make it any easier. To get out of

July 8th, 2018 I know that I haven't written in a very long time. An overdue amount of time. I have had a lot of adult life changes in the past few months and have been reflecting on those life changes. I decided since my life is changing that my blog is going to change with it. Over the past two years of blogging, I have followed my struggle with depression and overcoming those hurdles. For the first time in my life, I can say that I have truly overcome the fight with depression. I won. God won. I no longer want to focus on this part of my life but instead focus on how things will be changing into adulthood. In the past two months, I graduated undergraduate (still surreal), I moved in with my Aunt, I finalized financial aid for pharmacy school, I went back to Panama and I started adulthood. I can be honest about two things: first, I am horrible at adulting. Second, I love every minute of how much my life is changing. Shortly after graduating I went back to Panama and I fel

March 28th, 2018 Over the past couple of days, the wheels have been turning about what it means to be a Christian, what does it look like to be in a healthy relationship, or what does it mean to truly be happy? As I got coffee with one of my profs on Tuesday, I asked this question. What does it look like to be a Christian but struggle with reading the Bible everyday? What does it mean if I struggle to read a devotional book everyday? This is something that he did not have an answer for. Honestly, I don't either. I can tell you that I love Jesus more than there are words. I'm the girl that takes notes in chapel, EVEN with a phone. Cause that was a fun time today in chapel. Being called out for being on my phone. Wow, sorry that I actually care. That instant reaction is me trying to defend my relationship with God. I do care. I do try. I do love Jesus more than I can express to people. What does it mean to be all in for Jesus but not be able to be consistent? I realized t

March 14th, 2018 After turning 22 yesterday I started reflecting on what my 21st year looked like. I realized a lot changed in ways that I wasn't prepared to handle yet here I am. There was a lot of change about who I was throughout the past year. Since turning 21, I applied to pharmacy school, got in, found a new place to live in the fall, and so many more things. I almost lost both parents in the past six months and started my final year of college. A lot changes in 365 days and that includes me. I have grown stronger in my faith and had moments of falling on my face. Yet, I am still blessed by a Lord that has a plan. In the past year, the worry about whether or not I will get married is gone because I don't have a reason to worry about it. Young 21 year old me thought the world would end if I didn't have it figured out but yet why? There is peace in what the Lord is planning. I never dreamed I would be the person to have this sort of jump and fall faith in God.

March 1st, 2018  I had a friend ask me once who is more pure the man who has had sex and repented or the man who hasn’t but lusts after a women?  As I sit in chapel writing this I think about the choices I’ve made and my friends and how does this work in relation to purity? Often we think that if we have sex before marriage then we cannot be forgiven. Yet, if I think this then I also think that about cutting. How could someone who mutilates their own body be forgiven for it?  Are we defining purity only by sexuality. What about other addictions? According to my faith, my body is a temple and I should honor it. Is that only in the decisions of sexuality?  While I can say that I have held myself to the standard of waiting until marriage I have seen friends that have not. I am not better than them. I am not holier or a better Christian. I am broken just like them only in a different way.  Between chapel yesterday and today, I have had a lot of gears turning. While the definition of pu

February 23, 2018 We officially have 71 days until graduation and the last time that I checked we had 111. What? It has been a lot of bittersweet realizations about how much change is coming in the next six to nine months. When I was on the phone with my mom the other day and she pointed out that I have to change my address this summer because I am moving in with my aunt. For the past 21 years, I have had the same address and lived in the same house. How can it be that it's changing? I knew that it would become part of my life but yet I'm not prepared for it. Also, the realization that there are people I see everyday that I won't when I start school in the fall. For a moment, I wondered how will I make it? Yet, I know that I have Snapchat and insta and more ways than I can imagine to communicate with the people in my life that I love so dearly. I have always been a sentimental person but even more so as I realize that I will be leaving. Another aspect of that has be

February 7th, 2018 In the past few days, I've had this thought resonating with me. Even the mighty fall. For me, that is quite literal because of my unfortunate ability of falling everywhere. However, the gears have really started turning as to what falls look like for others as well. For me it is literal but what about the spiritual, emotional, metaphorical falls that we can take in life. If it's losing a job that leaves your family without a way to put food on a table. If it's losing a parent that leaves emotional damage that is impossible to see past. If it is not getting into a graduate school that leaves your future unknown. If it is a hurting relationship that leaves scars in ways that we don't know how to heal. All of these falls are darkness that can be hard to see past and in moments can be all consuming. However, with this sadness there is a quote of hope that has followed with that. I couldn't tell you where I found it or heard it but I think it was

January 31st, 2018 Do you wonder as the seasons throughout the year changes if your life goes through the same changes as well? I have really started to wonder about my friends and the seasons of life that I am finding myself in with them. I know that a chapter of my life is going to end but I always thought that the friends I made in college were going to last all of my life. I'm not saying that some of them won't but lately I have started to wonder about some of them. What will become of them? How are they going to continue to change in the next few months? Will that change ultimately be for the better? The proper Christian response is that in all time the Lord makes things right; therefore, his timing of people and friendships is for a specific reason. Even if we don't know what that reason may be the Lord is still faithful. As I reflect on the past three and a half years will the hare I realize that I will miss her more than I thought I would after we leave. Lat

January 25th, 2018 100 of anything can be a lot, right? Well, 100 blog posts is the same thing. This marks number 100 and I have spent a lot of time contemplating what to write about in the past few days. What would be "good" enough for my 100th? Well, then I realized it doesn't matter cause I can put whatever I want into it because it's my blog. Then I found that as I was walking through life with the Lord I started to pray and I didn't like the answers I was getting to my prayers. Sometimes we tend to ask questions that we don't truly want answers to. What if we pray things and want a specific things from a prayers so we ask them in a specific way to have God give us what we think we want. Then we get angry when the Lord does answer and the answer we get is not what we want. Now that answer, in my belief, God saying wait young Padawan because I have something better in store. This then begs the question of how long do we wait and how? It can be hard

January 19th, 2018 As I have seen over the past week, there is a reason that the Lord puts people in your life for a reason, time and place. Sometimes these are really obvious but other times they aren't. Other times hindsight is 20/20 and we look back to realize why we experienced what we did. Sometimes there is great joy out of the places we find ourselves. Things are happy because there are so many good people around us and everything seems to be falling into place. Other times trial produces great sorrow and we don't see an end to the pain. However, I hope, you have the same great people that will love you through it. Or in my case, some new ones will arise. I have recently found that I might not fully understand what God is doing by rearranging who is in my life in my last semester of college. But I know to trust Him. There are a lot of new people that I am truly afraid of losing but I also know that the Lord makes all things work for my good. I don't know if

January 18th, 2018 Sometimes in the darkness we have to find the good things to focus on no matter how small. So for me in the past couple of days I have really had to focus on the small things to get me through. The last time I had a fight with my mother it ended very badly for me because the depression struggle was real. I was not able to overcome the pain that I was feeling until I fell into a really awful cycle with my self-harm. Granted that was years ago but when we came to another falling apart I didn't know how it was going to go. Sadly it was due to me sticking up for myself for the first time in the 21 years that I have been alive. I made a decision I should come first and my education should come first but it came back to bite me. Yes, there were a lot of tears because I care about her and felt like everything fell apart but then something dawned on me. As I was walking back to my apartment last night, I realized that not once did the thought that I wasn't go

January 17th, 2018  Whenever we hear the phrase the morning after our first thought is always about sex and what comes after. The guilt, shame, emotional roller coaster, and struggle that follow those decisions but what about other morning afters?  What about the morning after someone has binge ate all night? The morning after someone has been self-mutilating? The morning after someone does drugs for the first time or the last time?  We too often get caught up in stereotypes and labels to overcome or look past our own inner circle of problems. I had a friend make an analogy to me once that our problems seem so big to us became they are right in front of us but that does not make anyone else's struggle any less.  I remember the mornings after for me. I would wake up feeling like that I did not have any worth. That there would never be anyone who would understand my pain. That I was going through it alone. I spent eight years feeling that way until the Lord showed me I

January 16th, 2018 As I was walking into lab and class this morning, an old hymn came to mind seeing the snow. It says, " 'Cause Jesus paid it all,  All to him I owe,  Sin had left a crimson stain, he washed it white as snow." While many of us are complaining about the cold and the snow there was this peacefulness to the snow as well.  It was this endless peace that washed over me about how this semester and year will be. Every year people make resolution and they become broken. It has become the running joke of New Years is how long to resolutions last. I have decided that this year there will not be resolutions but commitments to new ways of life with me and the Lord.  This year is going to be packed full of change as I graduate from undergrad and start pharmacy school. I realized that this new perspective comes from this hymn. That every sin I have ever made Jesus paid for. Every sin is a little different just like every snowflake. As each snowflake was falling i

January 9th, 2018 Today marks the first day of classes for spring semester. Which for me was not having classes at all. I made a list of things to do to get other errands done but as many other seniors have started classes today it was the beginning of the end of our undergraduate careers today. It really hadn't dawned on me that I was really going to graduate or that I was a senior until recently. The small pieces have been there but as graduation is being talked about, graduate school and as we call it, life after Olivet, I have realized that it is the beginning of the end of a season of my life. Things have changed so much throughout the pasted four years that I cannot believe who I have become and how much I have grown but also how much I have changed. College changes you, they told me and wow I never believed it but it is very real. There have been many laughs, tears and memories along the way but dang. I have loved this journey. It is odd to think that it will come to

January 1st, 2018 As everyone went to celebrate the New Year last night I took some cold medicine and went to bed around 11 because I was exhausted. I got up this morning and wondered is today different from any other day? Then I realized that we spend so much time at the end of the year looking back at how our year has changed that I feel we miss the things that we can look ahead to. I have had a whirlwind of a past few weeks since I came home for break and to be honest some of it still doesn't seem real. I came home from finals and was so ready to crash and relax but that was put on hold by a pharmacy school interview that I was not prepared for in the slightest but who the heck knows right? (The Lord knows). He was working on my heart as I went down to The Ohio State University for this interview and what he was going to do. The more I learned about the university the more I fell in love and realized that this is where I wanted to go if I got in. Much to my surprise TWO