How a White Girl Does Life

November 30th, 2017 As this week started, I hate everything about it and mostly that I had a lab exam at 7am that I didn't want to deal with. Then my computer decided to die so I was 0-2 against the world this week but let me tell you the Lord was still working. I have had so much going on and so much worry with my pharmacy school application but here's the thing. I found out I have not one but two invitations for interviews. Like what? When I started down this road I doubted whether or not I could actually make it. Then with people making me feel bad about myself, I started to question myself even more. Then, I got these two emails and I realized that I can do this! I may not know how or what it will look like but the Lord is getting me through. I was luckily in the financial situation to replace my computer and keep my life together. Somehow some way I have made it to Thursday and the Lord is still working. I encourage you to see the good things and the silver linin

November 10, 2017 I have never been the cliche white girl obsessed with anchors. In fact, I have never truly been a fan of them overall but something about them has rang true today. Amidst the chaos that is life, I have found people who are anchors in my life. People who weather the storm with you. People who remind you why you get up everyday. People who remind you why you are doing what you want to do what you are. Sometimes that can be a huge blessing in disguise that we often overlook. Maybe for you it's a sibling, a best friend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or in my case a new friend. My Birthday Buddy has become a new friend that I can depend on when need it. He has truly been this blessing in disguise of how the Lord can work in mysterious ways. I have officially decided he is a male version of me almost exactly. Yet, he is so different and is a source of clarity when I need it. We laugh and screw around to destress when we both are read to throw ourselves off a buildi

November 2nd, 2017 As I am sitting in communications this morning we are starting to discuss self-image and self-concept. While we are relating this to public speaking it got me thinking about how does it relate to me on a day to day basis. Since I grew up being called the fat girl; honestly I have never had a good outlook on myself growing up. I have since then grown out of it but I have days where I haven't. I feel that a lot of that comes from the season of my life I am in and how it is changing. Who I am is not defined in others. We shouldn't see it as one step forward and two steps backward. We have hopes, goals, and dreams and no one should be able to take that from us. I now have this idea that if you want to do something then do it. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't. Chase your dreams. Travel the world. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Do whatever is going to make you happy regardless on anyone else. Are you letting someone cause doubt in who you

October 19, 2017 As a 21-year-old female going to a Christian university, I have had many thoughts that usually I keep to myself and the struggle with what kind of decisions I want to make in my life but today I realized that I can't do that anymore. I was raised with parents that didn't have a marriage born out of God or out of a Christ-like relationship so I haven't know what a healthy marriage could look like my whole life. That has now translated into a lot of my feelings towards relationships because I don't know what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like at times. Which has lead me to wonder something? What kind of gratification is it when our gratification in life comes from things that make us feel guilty or our decisions of gratification are made in guilt? I have really been wrestling with this idea about who am I in my moral and sexual decisions because in society today what is supposed to be right anymore? As I have gone back and forth betwe

October 13, 2017 We all have heard the cliche saying that when nothing goes right to go left. Well, somedays like today that sounds like a really fantastic option. Sometimes it is realizing that when nothing is going right to still look on the bright side because there are good things. No matter how hard they maybe to find. When your car doesn't start, you find friends to bail you out and then you go driving to blow off steam. Plan for this afternoon. Check. When you have three exams to study for you micromanage your time to get everything done. Planned every hour of the next two days. Check. See someone who reminds you of pain you pray. It's been a month since I last talked to Jagger. A month since I realized he will never be a part of my life again. While I thought it would automatically be easier to acknowledge it; it is still a process. I can't just turn off the memories and the pain. while talking about it helps, it is never going to be more than it was. It nev

October 5th, 2017 I have prayed for clarity of mind and heart for the past few months but how do you know when you have found it? I have really been wrestling with what is from God and what is from my own heart? I have had to have many conversations with God about who I am and where He is leading me. Then when a moment happens that feels like direction from God how do you know? I have been having a lot of deep thoughts with myself and my close friends about what is life lately? I think a lot of random thoughts about what is going on lately but all I can say is that I have tried to find direction and have to keep praying. How do you know who or what is leading you in your life? xoxo, Em

September 28th, 2017 As I sit before class, I wonder when was the last time I did something for myself? Or better yet when did I stop and just look around me? We spend too often going forward with classes, homework, studying, exams, jobs and trying to have a social life that we lose ourselves. I'm saying we fall off the bandwagon and have a breakdown (that's okay, too) but we lose sight of what makes us happy. These moments are few and far between but something about them is so blissful. To have time to stop and think about the good things in life or blessings we have. I've been able to reflect on the incredible people the Lord has put in my life to make memories and laughs with. For example, my A team is fantastic. These two girls crack me up with their laughs, our time together as friends and even the time we spend together tutoring. I've seen what it looks like to make an impression and friendship that lasts. For a split second, I think about graduating and r

September 19th, 2017 When someone asks you to get coffee what is your first thought? Is it that it's a date? A new friend? A set time to talk to someone about life? All of the above? For me, it's a chance to get to know someone whether they're new in my life or not. Coffee "dates" for lack of a better term have been a staple of my college socialization because it's the time I get to see people I don't on a regular basis. Example number one, my RA from freshman year is someone I try to get coffee with relatively regularly. She is a nursing major so her life is insane and mine no different. She has been a huge role model in my life over the past four years and I am the person I am today because of her. New example, getting coffee with someone new. A friend that I have known for the past three years of college but now I am getting to know him. Even better, he is incredible. He is becoming a fantastic friend for me to count on and talk to about life.

September 7th, 2018 Yesterday in chapel as we were singing I couldn't help but smile and be happy. It was this moment of being overcome with the Holy Spirit. Knowing that no matter what God is still good. There's a friend of mine who has a tattoo that says "God is still good" which rings so true and when that hits you, you can't help but be happy. I've been the person when asked how life is that it is not so good 99 percent of the time but lately it's different. I may not know where you are at in life but there is a way to find contentment and happiness with wherever you are in life. God is so good and if you don't believe that read Philippians. Paul talks about how he is happy, content and found himself in God even though he was in prison. Roman prison, chained to a guard 24 hours a day. Paul says in Philippians 1 that he was torn between going to join Christ or continue living for others and he kept going. If Paul can do it, so can you!! Go

September 3rd, 2017 I don't know about you but I grew up most of my life being told that God knows my life and will provide what I need when I need it. Which for me has been hard to believe because I've always felt in a sense I'm going through life alone. In the past few days since classes have started I have had some eye-opening moments from God about what he is truly doing in my life. First, being that He has poured incredible people in my life at the right place at the right time. Kit Kat has known what to say no matter how harsh when I've needed it and Smiles has been an incredible shoulder for me when I've needed her lately. I never realized how truly blessed I am. Not only have these girls been here for me they have had just the words I have needed right when I needed them. Whether I was feeling down, stressed or betrayed in the past few days, God has provided people with words of encouragement to help me get through them. Second, being that my struggle

August 30th, 2017 They say time flies if you're having fun but I can truly say over the past three years of college I have seen time just fly. As I stood up in chapel to be recognized as a senior, it was surreal. How did I get here and what happens when I leave? The past three years have been full of joy, pain, tears, memories and friends that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. As I started my senior year of undergrad, I realized that I am so incredibly blessed to live where I do and go to my school. God has poured out so many blessings on me to focus on that I can't even begin to describe. The road here hasn't been easy by any means because I have lost friends along the way. However, I have become stronger in who I am and my faith along the way. In contrast, I have found brothers and sisters in Christ that I will carry by my side forever. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I know that I am not done with school and have a long road until

August 12th,  2017 After being home for the past two- almost three months, I have done a lot of reflection and learning about myself. I have come to some serious realizations about myself and the future I want someday. First, is that my relationship with God has to come first and having a support system to grow in with the Lord is crucial. I have seen that I need people to talk to, count on and trust with my walk with God because going it alone is impossible. Having a friend to talk to about the good and bad of what God is doing in your life is so important. Second, what I want for my future maybe different than my mother and that's okay. I have to be able to make my own decisions about what I want for my future. So, I take it a day at a time but I stand my ground. With what I want and where that will lead me. Third, I come first. That may sound really selfish but it's so important. How you're treated and the people in your life should make your a priority. Relation

June 23,  2017 I hate ultimatums because they usually end is both people end up getting hurt. I have been doing a lot of thinking though about what decisions mean and how each decision dictates our lives. I guess it's something that I never realized that priorities dictate our decisions and part of that is where we're at in our lives. I always thought that seven almost eight months would be enough to stick by Jagger's side. I thought he would realize that it was enough work through the tough stuff in his life. No, I didn't give him an ultimatum but I pointed out that I was willing to stick by him because I had for so long. Yet, it still wasn't enough to show him how much I love him. When it hit me that I was not the priority to him that he was to me I had to let him go in a sense. Relationships can't be one-sided but when it feels like only one person is making it work it won't. I have hit a point in my life that I love unconditionally and don't

June 13, 2017 Today was an off day. Not depressive but I just got super angry at Jagger. We don't have a label and everything is gray and lost between us right now. I don't know what to do or how to make it better or fix it or make him understand everything I am feeling. When I'm at a loss a friend, I'll call him, was there to be a lot of reason when I needed it. He made me realize how important it is to be strong in the Lord in the times of uncertainty or doubt. Right now, I have so much doubt about why I am in the situation I am in but for some reason, this is part of the Lord's plan. I hit a wall but found a friend who was will to pick me back up and show me that God is where I need to turn. That kind of friend is one of a kind because they can be a light in the darkness. So for right now, I have to find a way to dig back into my Bible everyday and pray again. Because I'll be honest, I have been struggling with it since I came back from my mission trip.

May 17th, 2017 Over the past few weeks since I have been home I have been thinking and realizing a lot about people and what color means in society today. I have had mixed reaction about race my whole life depending on the person and my family members. When Fluffy was a part of my life last year there was a mixed reaction from my grandmother because he was Hispanic. To me, he is no less of a person just because of his skin color. What does that matter? From that, I was really worried about what would happen if I brought home a black man? Would my whole family explode just because he is black? I brushed it off at first as no big deal because I never dreamed it would be something I would have to handle in my life. Enter Jagger. He is black. Never did I ever think anything differently about him just because he is black. I've had friends that have judged him and everything that happened between us just because of his color. For instance, my Athlete did not realize that he was

May 7, 2017 So as the semester ended I fell off the face of the Earth with work, school and my own life but now I have time to breathe, think and write. Praise the Lord from whom all blessings flow!! As I sat in church today and I really started to think about a characteristic of mine. Growing up my whole life, my mother told me that I forgive too easily or I love too much. But what if me growing up has shown me that the love I have is Christ in me. Through all the heartache I have faced in my life from the people around me I still forgive and love. I did it for the longest time with my Gymnast until my heart hurt too much. I had to do what was best for me emotionally and mentally but causing someone else pain was almost unbearable. Yet, even when he picked his family over me time and time again I still loved him and stood by his side. Well fast forward to the past six months with Jagger and I could say the same thing. There was a lot of pain when he picked Lilja but I respecte

April 6, 2017 383 days. That's how long since I picked up a razor blade. Now, it's a battle with wether or not those days are worth it anymore. I've seen these feelings coming for the past week. The small things. Not being hungry. Not talking to people. Getting angry at such small things. It was all little flags of the bigger snowball forming in my heart and mind. I have spent so much time pouring out myself for those around me and not being poured back into that I am empty, angry and tired. At this point, we expect me to lean on God and fix everything. NOPE. Hasn't happened yet because I don't want to. I'm too bitter or prideful. Everyday is a new day and so maybe tomorrow will be day one. What have you slated in your life? xoxo, Em

March 30, 2017 We make small decisions everyday in our lives about what we wear, eat and who we talk to that we don't think make a big deal. Have we ever stopped to think about how the small decisions shape us to make the bigger life choices? Maybe it doesn't seem like much but we slowly change as we get older and it shapes our decisions and someday we are who we are. We can't expect that to change in the people around us that we love. I was raised that you can't change a person and that's very true. It's a fault I have to trust people and that they will change who they are and see they best in them because I did that with Jagger and all it did was cause hurt. I trusted him to change who he was to "get better" and find himself in the Lord but now I am seeing that he isn't. All I see is the same old patterns repeating themselves with me and Lilja. Why is it that when we try to see the best in people it clouds how we make decisions? It seems

March 26, 2017 In the past six days, I have asked myself more times why I am not enough to fix the problems of the people I love around me? Never did I think I would feel replaced by them but I guess I was wrong. Through the tough times, I have been the one who has stood by her through thick and thin but it doesn't seem to matter anymore. The lying, going behind my back, and fakeness I don't even know who she is anymore. Where did my friend go and how do I get her back? Better question is what did I do to be replaced? Why am I not enough for her? I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter because the Lord is enough but right now I don't even know. How can the same Lord who loves unconditionally take away my best friend? How can she make me feel like so much less than myself because I'm not enough for her. What can I do to make myself good enough? I thought everything I was doing was enough but I guess I was wrong. I thought I was there to replace the bro

March 22, 2017 Has someone ever said something to you or heard a sermon that you were like "alright, God, real funny?" I had one of those moments in chapel this morning as I heard a couple preach back and fourth in English and Spanish about the power of God's love. Which at first I thought would be so cliche because normally it is and we've heard it before but then a ton of bricks hit my chest. The wife was talking about three kinds of love: if love, because love and even though love and I felt all the air leave my lungs. She said, "even though you hurt me I still love you." That's me. Even though I've spent hours crying about Jagger and how much he had hurt me and treated me horribly in the past four months since Christmas day, I still care. I still ask about his day, I still pray for him furiously and I still want to be a part of his life. I have an even though kind of caring about him. Fricking biscuit farmers, dude!! Why God? How? I can

March 21, 2017 Growing up we've always heard adults say, "oh to be young again" but lately I've thought about what that really means. When we're young does that become an excuse for us to make bad decisions because we are naive and "don't know better?" Then it also becomes a question of what is a bad decision based on my own moral standing? I have always been the girl who makes the good decisions and is a light of morality to my friends but what about me? Wha about when the "good girl" wants to be the one to make a stupid mistake? I have been asking myself this a lot about my feelings in the past 12-24 hours. While I'm not asking to get arrested or drink alcohol, all I'm asking to make a bad boy choice and have feelings for who I want without being judged. Judgement from the people you love is the worst because they're supposed to love and support you but when they're trying to protect you it can be frustrating. I

March 19, 2017 How many times have we asked a question to a friend, family member or God and gotten a response we don't like? Then apply that to relationships or our feelings and 9 times out of 10 we are grumbling about not getting a response we want or in a timeline we want. Well I got a kick to the heart and face this week because I realized that in having feelings for, let's call him Frenchy for name sake, and I got a wait from him. It wasn't just him being new to college but him being real about the emotional and spiritual struggles in his life. Real, raw emotions that he wasn't prepared to dish out into another relationship so soon and have it end badly. How can I not respect him for that? How can I not be impatient? These questions have been looming in my head and my heart over the past few days. There's so many things I want to tell him and don't know how or haven't seen him to tell him but I wonder if it would matter. Would he care if I told

March 17, 2017 I lost my best friend this week. She was there for me for the past 10 years until poof. I loved Bella. While she wasn't the first dog I had in my life, she was the one I was closest with because she was by my side growing up. I knew someday I would lose her but I guess I never dreamed that someday would be so soon. I realized something this morning while talking with one of my good guy friends about losing her and the bad things that happen in our lives. What if the bad things are meant to happen? While yes they are hard to go through, the hardest times in my life have been some of the greatest learning experiences of my life. Right now I am mourning the loss of my best friend but there was a reason for it. Instead of praying for God to take away the pain, I need to pray for God to change my heart to handle the pain in my life. The softening of my heart for the Lord and his plan can only bring me closer even in the times of pain. Where are you with asking

March 13, 2017 Today I turn 21 which for most is a birthday marking a huge milestone in one's life. For me, it's a day of classes, homework and studying. At then end of my day, I will sit down and eat dinner with Kit Kat and spend sometime with my best friend. Other than that, today will pass like any other day. I find myself odd that I don't make a bigger deal out of my birthday but to me it's just another day. Out of the past 364, it seems normal like any other day but yet I have waited for it until now. But now, I'm kinda over it. While birthdays are big deals to most and this one especially, I'll let this milestone go. What is the next milestone in your life? xoxo, Em

February 20, 2017 I have always been the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve or throws her whole being into relationships and friendships. Unfortunately, it comes back to bite me more often than I would like to admit. Right now is one of those times. When you spend so much time being there for someone, loving them and thinking that they value you as much as you value them then you're wrong. It hurts. Do the people we love even realize that they are doing it? I want to say no because usually if we confront it, they tell us they never meant for us to feel the way we do. However, if they don't mean to why do they continue to do so? Habit? Forgetfulness? I don't have an exact answer. What I do know is I have spent a lot of my life throwing my feelings out there in my friendships and relationships but usually it ends in heartache. How do you reason with yourself to continue to do so? Because life is meaningless without having love and people to share that love with.

February 13, 2016 In the past 10-20 minutes, I have realized that sometimes the best way to handle the mistakes we make in our lives is to wear them and own them with pride. Crazy? Probably but also freeing. If I can be honest that I screw up and own that then no one can tell me what I do or don't do. I will just be straight up honest that I fricked up my life in some way. Yeah when we screw up those consequences usually suck but if we can be honest about that then, can it get any worse? Especially since people only have the power we give them. Texas pointed that out to me and I realized that she is so right. I spent so much time giving the short one power over me and the words she cut me down with that I never took the time to realize I was the one giving her that power. If I had taken a step back, I could have seen that she was only as powerful as I let her be. With our mistakes, it is the same principle because they are only as powerful as we let other people hold them o

February 6, 2017 There is nothing worse than seeing a friend(s) hurting and knowing that you can't fix it. In the past twenty to twenty-four hour, however, I have felt that feeling more than I would care to admit. From talking one friend off of a self-harm ledge or her friend and making sure she doesn't lose it in the process to seeing another get her heart broken by a now ex-boyfriend I have never felt more helpless as a friend. What do you do in those moments when you didn't cause the pain but you can't make it go away either? I don't know. I have repeated that more times than I would like to admit too. God, what are you doing? How can I fix this? It dawned on me that I can't. God can and his timing will someday but it's someday I'm worried about. It's hard to watch the people you love get hurt and even worse to know that I can't do anything. The only thing I can do is pray. Which right now doesn't seem like a lot, to be honest. I j

February 4, 2017  "God is good all the time and all the time, God is good." This is my favorite quote or saying from God's Not Dead  and it's so true. His plan is so much more than I could ever imagine and He has started to show that to me.  Eight days ago, I applied to be a resident assistant for the first time since I was a freshman and I was 100% prepared to get rejected into the next step but I wasn't. I got the email yesterday that I get to move onto the next step of the process and I am floored. God stepped up to use me in someway. I don't know how He is going to but He will.  Right now, I am jumping feet first into this process because no matter what comes out of it, God is at work. Nothing can go wrong? Even if I don't get the outcome I want, it will be the best plan for me.  God is good all the time. He will show that to us no matter what. It's an incredible feeling to know that the creator of the universe is working for the bes

January 30, 2017 Have you ever had a friend who you wanted to give advice but they never asked for it? Or a friend that was struggling but didn't know how to approach them? I have found myself in that predicament lately. I see one of my friends drowning in their struggles without admitting it or showing it because "they roll with life." It makes me feel helpless as a friend because I want to help him so much but how can I help if he doesn't want it? It's a thought, isn't it? How do you help someone who doesn't want it? Normally, one would say you don't. I would say that you pray for them which I am. Sometimes when prayer doesn't feel like enough you keep praying. I'll be honest that I don't feel like God is answering the prayer to intercede in his life but I also know that everything happens in God's timing. The real answer, as a mere failing human I can't help someone who doesn't seek help but God can. When I cannot lea

January 27th, 2017 I feel that there are many times in our lives when we have to make a decision about whether we will do the right thing or the easy thing. Most times the right thing to do in a situation is not the easy thing because it means admitting we are wrong and that is hard. Something I have learned with my bad life choices sometimes is that the best thing to do is own it. While it might make it harder to be full blown wrong; owning that I am completely wrong just makes being totally honest about the situation easier. Having that conversation with one of my guy friends about telling the truth with our crossing boundaries of conversations was realizing that we needed to be honest about it. I am not okay with ignoring my bad decisions because I would rather do the right thing. Yes, I am asking him to jeopardize his relationship to be honest but honest isn't easy. Right isn't easy. God did not call us into a life of ease and sometimes that means having the difficu

January 25, 2017 Do you ever catch yourself not trusting God's timing or planning? Or better yet, thinking that your plans are better than His because He won't provide for you? I have been doing a lot of that lately in my life and I realized that when I am being the least untrusting in my walk is when God shows up the most. For the past eight years of my life has been surrounded by marching band and for the first time I have decided that my senior year of college I won't be doing marching band. This decision hasn't been easy for me because band has been a cornerstone in my life but I realized that my heart is other places. Tonight I am going to a meeting about applying to be a resident assistant to see where this path is my life leads. However, making the decision to go down this road with God was really hard because I was difficult because I didn't think I could just leave band behind. When I was in the midst of saying God if there isn't clarity on my hea

January 14, 2017 I have heard the phrase "a new year, a new me" too many time this year and it's only been two weeks. However, in the past almost month from the end of December to now I learned a big life lesson about God's plan and love. On Christmas day, one of my friends decided to acknowledge the idea of having feelings for me and told me about it. Fun fact: he isn't single either. The whole situation was very sticky to begin with and I will be honest that there were bad decisions regarding us. As we talked and continued to get to know each other, there were many comments made between us that shouldn't have been made between us. You know what I realized about this, he was bent on being "loyal" to his girlfriend but the comments he made were not that. It made me feel like trash and he was also treating his girlfriend like it as well. What I realized was that him saying he had feelings for me was not enough for me. The value he saw in me ma