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Gratification in Guilt

October 19, 2017

As a 21-year-old female going to a Christian university, I have had many thoughts that usually I keep to myself and the struggle with what kind of decisions I want to make in my life but today I realized that I can't do that anymore.

I was raised with parents that didn't have a marriage born out of God or out of a Christ-like relationship so I haven't know what a healthy marriage could look like my whole life. That has now translated into a lot of my feelings towards relationships because I don't know what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like at times. Which has lead me to wonder something?

What kind of gratification is it when our gratification in life comes from things that make us feel guilty or our decisions of gratification are made in guilt?

I have really been wrestling with this idea about who am I in my moral and sexual decisions because in society today what is supposed to be right anymore? As I have gone back and forth between what I know is right in my Bible and what I feel my heart is saying I realized something today.

I am trying to find my gratification in this world. NOT in God. NOT in my walk with Him. I have found this hole in my heart but rather than trying to fill it with God; I have tried to fill it with what the world says will make me happy.

Then I start to wonder how, when and where did I lose myself along the way? I was always told it is easy to take the baby steps into bad choices before we realize how far we've gone. That's so real. I stood in chapel today realizing I didn't know who I was or what I wanted anymore.

When did I become someone who was struggling with what she believes her morals are because this has never been something I have struggled with. (New temptation and it sucks). However, God is bigger. I might not know how right now but He is.

I will be honest that I don't know how I am going to put myself back together emotionally. I have been telling myself that I have been fine for a long time before realizing that I'm not. I might not be tomorrow, next week or next month but you know what? I will be someday.

After eight months of my heart being given to someone who didn't deserve it, I have realized that it is going to take time to heal and be okay from that. Seeing him still hurts and that's okay. Knowing he picked someone else hurts but that's okay. Knowing we didn't have an official label does not invalidate my feelings OR YOURS.

No one can tell you what to think, feel or do but yourself. So I ask you. Have you tried to fill the hole in your life with a gratification built-in guilt? If so, it's okay but the pain that it is making you feel, you are better than. Don'tever let anyone tell you differently.

Where are you finding your gratification in life? What is it bringing you after that split moment of euphoria?

xoxo,
Em 

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