How a White Girl Does Life

June 23,  2017 I hate ultimatums because they usually end is both people end up getting hurt. I have been doing a lot of thinking though about what decisions mean and how each decision dictates our lives. I guess it's something that I never realized that priorities dictate our decisions and part of that is where we're at in our lives. I always thought that seven almost eight months would be enough to stick by Jagger's side. I thought he would realize that it was enough work through the tough stuff in his life. No, I didn't give him an ultimatum but I pointed out that I was willing to stick by him because I had for so long. Yet, it still wasn't enough to show him how much I love him. When it hit me that I was not the priority to him that he was to me I had to let him go in a sense. Relationships can't be one-sided but when it feels like only one person is making it work it won't. I have hit a point in my life that I love unconditionally and don't ...

June 13, 2017 Today was an off day. Not depressive but I just got super angry at Jagger. We don't have a label and everything is gray and lost between us right now. I don't know what to do or how to make it better or fix it or make him understand everything I am feeling. When I'm at a loss a friend, I'll call him, was there to be a lot of reason when I needed it. He made me realize how important it is to be strong in the Lord in the times of uncertainty or doubt. Right now, I have so much doubt about why I am in the situation I am in but for some reason, this is part of the Lord's plan. I hit a wall but found a friend who was will to pick me back up and show me that God is where I need to turn. That kind of friend is one of a kind because they can be a light in the darkness. So for right now, I have to find a way to dig back into my Bible everyday and pray again. Because I'll be honest, I have been struggling with it since I came back from my mission trip....

May 17th, 2017 Over the past few weeks since I have been home I have been thinking and realizing a lot about people and what color means in society today. I have had mixed reaction about race my whole life depending on the person and my family members. When Fluffy was a part of my life last year there was a mixed reaction from my grandmother because he was Hispanic. To me, he is no less of a person just because of his skin color. What does that matter? From that, I was really worried about what would happen if I brought home a black man? Would my whole family explode just because he is black? I brushed it off at first as no big deal because I never dreamed it would be something I would have to handle in my life. Enter Jagger. He is black. Never did I ever think anything differently about him just because he is black. I've had friends that have judged him and everything that happened between us just because of his color. For instance, my Athlete did not realize that he was...

May 7, 2017 So as the semester ended I fell off the face of the Earth with work, school and my own life but now I have time to breathe, think and write. Praise the Lord from whom all blessings flow!! As I sat in church today and I really started to think about a characteristic of mine. Growing up my whole life, my mother told me that I forgive too easily or I love too much. But what if me growing up has shown me that the love I have is Christ in me. Through all the heartache I have faced in my life from the people around me I still forgive and love. I did it for the longest time with my Gymnast until my heart hurt too much. I had to do what was best for me emotionally and mentally but causing someone else pain was almost unbearable. Yet, even when he picked his family over me time and time again I still loved him and stood by his side. Well fast forward to the past six months with Jagger and I could say the same thing. There was a lot of pain when he picked Lilja but I respecte...

April 6, 2017 383 days. That's how long since I picked up a razor blade. Now, it's a battle with wether or not those days are worth it anymore. I've seen these feelings coming for the past week. The small things. Not being hungry. Not talking to people. Getting angry at such small things. It was all little flags of the bigger snowball forming in my heart and mind. I have spent so much time pouring out myself for those around me and not being poured back into that I am empty, angry and tired. At this point, we expect me to lean on God and fix everything. NOPE. Hasn't happened yet because I don't want to. I'm too bitter or prideful. Everyday is a new day and so maybe tomorrow will be day one. What have you slated in your life? xoxo, Em

March 30, 2017 We make small decisions everyday in our lives about what we wear, eat and who we talk to that we don't think make a big deal. Have we ever stopped to think about how the small decisions shape us to make the bigger life choices? Maybe it doesn't seem like much but we slowly change as we get older and it shapes our decisions and someday we are who we are. We can't expect that to change in the people around us that we love. I was raised that you can't change a person and that's very true. It's a fault I have to trust people and that they will change who they are and see they best in them because I did that with Jagger and all it did was cause hurt. I trusted him to change who he was to "get better" and find himself in the Lord but now I am seeing that he isn't. All I see is the same old patterns repeating themselves with me and Lilja. Why is it that when we try to see the best in people it clouds how we make decisions? It seems ...

March 26, 2017 In the past six days, I have asked myself more times why I am not enough to fix the problems of the people I love around me? Never did I think I would feel replaced by them but I guess I was wrong. Through the tough times, I have been the one who has stood by her through thick and thin but it doesn't seem to matter anymore. The lying, going behind my back, and fakeness I don't even know who she is anymore. Where did my friend go and how do I get her back? Better question is what did I do to be replaced? Why am I not enough for her? I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter because the Lord is enough but right now I don't even know. How can the same Lord who loves unconditionally take away my best friend? How can she make me feel like so much less than myself because I'm not enough for her. What can I do to make myself good enough? I thought everything I was doing was enough but I guess I was wrong. I thought I was there to replace the bro...