How a White Girl Does Life

April 29, 2016 Today I had counseling for the last time this semester and honestly maybe ever. Which is crazy to think about because I have been going for the past two years but yet today I found something life changing. For the past year, I have been learning about reframing my mindset and the power of overcoming depression through my perspective. Today, I found that my depression doesn't control me and how I think or my life choices. For the first time in my life, I feel clear and like I am strong, independent and don't need depression, self-harm or suicide as an answer. (Whoa!) I am not controlled by it or Satan. No more footholds for him to drag me into the black abyss of depression. Who I am now is a completely different person then who I was when I started the year in August. It has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs with my depression and I had a fall. Hard. However, when everything was gone and had nothing I found God. When there was nothing left I had God to

April 26, 2016 Two more weeks in the semester. It is officially crunch time and I have no idea how I am going to get through everything when I feel like a scatter brain. It is so hard when my brain is everywhere. Between school, boys, friends, summer plans and next year I have no idea how to compartmentalize what to do first. Or better yet, what do I focus on and how do I focus. I have started walking on a regular basis to try and get out of my own head. While, I wander around campus and listen to EDM music I find peace. Which is extremely weird because EDM is one of the least peaceful types of music. Yet, when I can lay in the grass and look at the incredible campus God has blessed me with, I see him working and the music and nature connects. I find focus on nature and on God. How do I connect that to school? (Great question) I am trying to figure that part out. It is so hard to have focus with everything going on and so I keep pushing. While my semester winds down and I don

April 23, 2016 You know the memories you have that are crystal clear and they feel like they were yesterday? Even thought they were weeks, months, or even years ago but they're still crystal clear. I've had a flood of those the past twenty-four hours and I don't know why but it's made me think. Why these specific memories? Some good and some bad but they are imprinted on my memory. Or the experiences that are incredible but the life choice is bad. It begs so many questions. Like was it a bad decision if the memory is good? Does one bad memory taint all the other good ones of one person? I don't have answers to these questions but they have been racing through my mind lately. Especially when I found out that I lost the short one. Forever. She hasn't spoken to me since the night of the fall and now she won't ever. She isn't coming back in August so I realized that she's gone. The last words she said to me "I don't know what to say to you

April 18, 2016 It is a sad realization when we find that someone who we were so close with is now a stranger to us, but what if that realization and separation is what's best? Friday morning I realized that I lost three of my best friends and I will probably never get them back. While it hurt, it wasn't the normal chest breaking, heart racing pain that I normally felt. Not that I didn't care but I was at a point of "it's their loss, not mine." It was something that my counselor pointed out to me that I'd never had before. I keep blaming myself for everything that is wrong in my life but what if it isn't all me? (for the first time in my life) I'm not always the one who is wrong. I caused hurt and I know that and I have taken the responsibility for my actions. From there, the possibilities are endless. Letting go of the hurt and those people is hard but because of it I am stronger. I walk around my beautiful campus smiling because I know God

April 12, 2016 How many times throughout our day or lives do we dwell on what we would say if we had that one opportunity to face someone? An ex, old friend, someone who was your best friend, no matter who we think about what we would say. Would you be angry, hurt, sorry? All of the above. (That's me) Especially if I think about how many people I have hurt or been hurt by my words or theirs. Some I have apologies, others anger and some I don't have words just hurt. As I walked to class this morning, I heard a song by Sidewalk Prophets that started the little hamster in my head of thoughts about words. While, I want to have anger and hurt I just thought about these words and would they be helpful or hurtful? I realized that no matter how I feel what I need to say is. "Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope. You're gonna do great things, I already know. God's got his hand on you so don't live life in fear. Forgive and forget but don't forget why

April 8, 2016 It surprises me how fast friendships and relationships change. One day you go from being best friends and sisters with someone to them completely ignoring your existence. Has there become this idea that relationships are one sided? I was raised that any conflict is two-sided. All relationships are two way streets. Therefore, one person cannot fix everything. If I am trying to fix the path of our relationship but they put up a massive sign and orange barrels; there isn't much I can do. I have found that all I can do is love them anyways and pray. (Cliche I know) It hurts. But all relationships do. When you care, you open yourself to vulnerability and getting hurt. Sometimes more than you would ever want to admit. (I'm there) However, there are the friends that are God given blessings. Those are the ones that you need to hold onto because they're irreplaceable. They can be the biggest role models for what a true friend looks like. (I missed that a lot.)

April 5, 2016 I hate the feels. They make life so much more complicated then it needs to be. Especially, when it's your best guy friend. Sometimes I truly question whether guys and girls can be just friends. Better question. Why did I tell him? Because I feel like being honest is the best approach. Was I wrong? Is it better to not say anything and still have feels or say something and possibly hurt the friendship? Both decisions suck. (ugh!) Now that he knows I feel better because I can be honest with myself and move on. (That's super hard though). I know that for the sake of our "bestie" relationship, I have to learn to love him like a brother. But how? (heck if I know!) I want to be sorry for saying anything but I also know that it was the best decision. (I think?) Why do feels have to make things so awko taco? Stupid feels. Sometimes I wish I didn't have them. Do you have the feels? xoxo, Em