How a White Girl Does Life

March 30, 2016 I couldn't be more cliche white girl if I didn't say "let go and let God" everyday but what does it mean? We paint it on canvas for art and make it backgrounds of phones and computers but what does it truly mean to let go and let God? I don't have all the answers but I have one. I found it today in chapel. (this post gets more and more cliche as we go) I know what it means to let go. To not be in control. The short one always told me that I held on too tight. I held on to trying to control everything until my hands would turn white and go numb. I fought her on it that she didn't understand but you know what? She was right. I should've listened. Today, it hit me in the face. I felt the weight of everything I have been trying to carry and I couldn't stand it. I fell. Right onto my knees on an altar. I finally let go. There was this feeling of me trying not to carry everything myself. I have held onto anger, sadness, hopelessness,...

March 29, 2016 I woke up this morning and felt like myself for the first time in a very long time. I missed her. I forgot what it was like to have this hunger for God and helping people. I feel like I'm finally myself. No, I'm not suddenly okay. I know that today is a better day but there will be bad days. However, I feel like God is behind me to help me get through those days. This is the first time I've felt completely submerged in God. You might ask why today? Honestly, I don't know. I just know that God is here and in control. (wow! I really feel that) The girl who loves Jesus has reappeared. I found my fire for the Lord again. Praise the Lord! I found a piece of myself this morning. It's nice to feel like a part of myself is rebuilt and it's the most important part of who I am. All I know is that I thank God that I found my love of Him and my walk with him again. Life is a puzzle. Lots of pieces that make up the whole picture of our lives and ou...

March 21, 2016 Today I had counseling for the first time since having my meltdown and I realized that I have to take care of myself. (This is foreign to me). Normally, when I have a meltdown I move on and forget that it happened or just act like it's not a big deal. (Not a good approach). This time it's different because I can't shake the feeling of being not okay. That is what changes everything. Today, my counselor had me make a list of things I like to do for myself. Which, I never really thought about what I like to do for myself. I always did was was best to help everyone around me. But what about me? (It seems so selfish to actually think of myself. Is it?) Real talk though. I miss reading my Bible regularly, feeling happy, supporting those around me, and feeling like things are good in my life. I don't know how to get back there but I think I found a start. I'm not okay but I will be. Today I found that I have to take care of myself even if I don...

March 18, 2016 Have you ever hurt the people around you without even noticing it? I have. I never knew that my struggle and my decisions about self-harm and depression hurt those around me. Until I did. I realized that my cry for help is scary and can trigger the people around me. I hurt them almost more then I hurt myself. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to reach out for help. I never did until I was spiraling out of control. I hurt my one of my best friends... I don't even know how to begin to tell her I'm sorry. So on the off chance she reads all of this. Friend,     I love you. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I never knew how much you cared about me or how much I was hurting and triggering you. The fact that I scared you and tore your heart into pieces and I'm so sorry. I know that I'm not okay anymore and need help. I know that I'm not okay and I need help. and I don't ask for it. There aren't enough I'm sorrys for the pain I c...

March 14, 2016 Today is my first official day as an adult and it's been insane. I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day. With all the school work I have to do, ministry meetings, class, studying, papers, and trying to fit in meals and socializing there aren't enough hours in a day. However, I will say that I couldn't ask for a better day. As busy as I am, I also realize how incredibly lucky I am to have all the people in my life who care about me. Yesterday the short one, the hare, my oboe sister, my little sister and fluffette all planned a day for me once I drove back to school. While I was freaking out about not knowing what was going on, I realized that they had done something and didn't tell me. The question was what. They took me bowling (which I'm awful at). Then we had tacos and exploding Dr. Pepper, Doritos and kittens. I had so many laughs with them and couldn't have asked for a better way to spend m...

March 10, 2016 I have spend most of my life stressing about what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next year, and even in the next five or ten years. I realized that it makes everything hazy and confusing. Today was one of those days where I was overanalyzing everything in my life but didn't know what to do with it all. However, I sat down and somehow this overwhelming peace fell over me. I realized that I'm not in control of my life and trying to control it isn't working. I had to let it all go. I found contentment in that. I don't know what's going to happen but God is good all the time. All the time, God is good. (great movie reference btw!) He has it all figured out so I just need to go will the flow. (for me that's almost impossible) However, for once I feel good. I realized that my life is good and God is in control. Wow... for the first time in my life I don't feel controlling. I feel like I can do life and be okay. It is freeing to kn...

March 4, 2016 Good morning world! Snowy, frozen world... ugh. Today is my last day of class before spring break and I think about how many people are going to Florida, South Carolina, or London and I feel all the jealously. I will be going back home which is still in the Midwest. So I have snow. ewww. I love to look at snow but not the cold, wet and awful that comes with it. (nah) It's days like today that make me want to move somewhere like London where it's cold but not not 20. I wish I could wake up, drink a cup of coffee while reading and walk outside and see Big Ben or Westminster Abbey in my backyard. Oh how I miss London. I can't believe it has been almost three months since I was there. I just want to go back. (maybe even permanently) While I dream of London, I also think of all the other places in the world I want to travel to. Eight years from now my best friend and I are going to Italy to just see it. I'm so excited about it. We are going to see Sar...

March 2,  2016 I have just come to the recent realization that guys are really confusing. After almost 20 years of dealing with them you'd think I would've learned by now? (No). Distinguishing between whether or not a guy friend is just being nice or being flirty is so hard. Especially, when you are getting to know him. One of my closest guy friends who is slowly becoming my best guy friend has driven this struggle bus for me. He is a super touchy person but I never knew if he was being flirty with it or it was just how he was. The hugs and kind of hand holding was so confusing. There would be moments when I would say "yes he is flirting" and moments when "no he is just being nice." How do you distinguish between nice and flirty? In my experience, the only way to know is to ask. (grasp!!) I know the awkward conversation about are we friends or more than friends is never comfortable. Having a DTR (define the relationship) with anyone isn't easy ...

March 1, 2016 I've been an only child my whole life and have longed to have sisters and siblings. I never had them until I came to college. Here I found my floor last year that was full of sisters and now I have three of them that I couldn't do life without. Each of us is different in our own way but we know how to build each other up and be strong for each other when one of us can't. I learned that lesson the hard way. However, they have been there to support me and love me through it all. The short one was on my floor last year and we hated each other for the longest time. Finally, we met in the middle and realized that we have SO many similarities in our struggles. We didn't agree on our faith but I just kept throwing scripture at her until, hopefully, she'd believe it. Finally she did and now she throws scripture at me! We became so close we wanted to live together this year but jk God had a different plan. We had a falling out at the beginning of August b...