How a White Girl Does Life

March 30, 2017 We make small decisions everyday in our lives about what we wear, eat and who we talk to that we don't think make a big deal. Have we ever stopped to think about how the small decisions shape us to make the bigger life choices? Maybe it doesn't seem like much but we slowly change as we get older and it shapes our decisions and someday we are who we are. We can't expect that to change in the people around us that we love. I was raised that you can't change a person and that's very true. It's a fault I have to trust people and that they will change who they are and see they best in them because I did that with Jagger and all it did was cause hurt. I trusted him to change who he was to "get better" and find himself in the Lord but now I am seeing that he isn't. All I see is the same old patterns repeating themselves with me and Lilja. Why is it that when we try to see the best in people it clouds how we make decisions? It seems ...

March 26, 2017 In the past six days, I have asked myself more times why I am not enough to fix the problems of the people I love around me? Never did I think I would feel replaced by them but I guess I was wrong. Through the tough times, I have been the one who has stood by her through thick and thin but it doesn't seem to matter anymore. The lying, going behind my back, and fakeness I don't even know who she is anymore. Where did my friend go and how do I get her back? Better question is what did I do to be replaced? Why am I not enough for her? I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter because the Lord is enough but right now I don't even know. How can the same Lord who loves unconditionally take away my best friend? How can she make me feel like so much less than myself because I'm not enough for her. What can I do to make myself good enough? I thought everything I was doing was enough but I guess I was wrong. I thought I was there to replace the bro...

March 22, 2017 Has someone ever said something to you or heard a sermon that you were like "alright, God, real funny?" I had one of those moments in chapel this morning as I heard a couple preach back and fourth in English and Spanish about the power of God's love. Which at first I thought would be so cliche because normally it is and we've heard it before but then a ton of bricks hit my chest. The wife was talking about three kinds of love: if love, because love and even though love and I felt all the air leave my lungs. She said, "even though you hurt me I still love you." That's me. Even though I've spent hours crying about Jagger and how much he had hurt me and treated me horribly in the past four months since Christmas day, I still care. I still ask about his day, I still pray for him furiously and I still want to be a part of his life. I have an even though kind of caring about him. Fricking biscuit farmers, dude!! Why God? How? I can...

March 21, 2017 Growing up we've always heard adults say, "oh to be young again" but lately I've thought about what that really means. When we're young does that become an excuse for us to make bad decisions because we are naive and "don't know better?" Then it also becomes a question of what is a bad decision based on my own moral standing? I have always been the girl who makes the good decisions and is a light of morality to my friends but what about me? Wha about when the "good girl" wants to be the one to make a stupid mistake? I have been asking myself this a lot about my feelings in the past 12-24 hours. While I'm not asking to get arrested or drink alcohol, all I'm asking to make a bad boy choice and have feelings for who I want without being judged. Judgement from the people you love is the worst because they're supposed to love and support you but when they're trying to protect you it can be frustrating. I ...

March 19, 2017 How many times have we asked a question to a friend, family member or God and gotten a response we don't like? Then apply that to relationships or our feelings and 9 times out of 10 we are grumbling about not getting a response we want or in a timeline we want. Well I got a kick to the heart and face this week because I realized that in having feelings for, let's call him Frenchy for name sake, and I got a wait from him. It wasn't just him being new to college but him being real about the emotional and spiritual struggles in his life. Real, raw emotions that he wasn't prepared to dish out into another relationship so soon and have it end badly. How can I not respect him for that? How can I not be impatient? These questions have been looming in my head and my heart over the past few days. There's so many things I want to tell him and don't know how or haven't seen him to tell him but I wonder if it would matter. Would he care if I told ...

March 17, 2017 I lost my best friend this week. She was there for me for the past 10 years until poof. I loved Bella. While she wasn't the first dog I had in my life, she was the one I was closest with because she was by my side growing up. I knew someday I would lose her but I guess I never dreamed that someday would be so soon. I realized something this morning while talking with one of my good guy friends about losing her and the bad things that happen in our lives. What if the bad things are meant to happen? While yes they are hard to go through, the hardest times in my life have been some of the greatest learning experiences of my life. Right now I am mourning the loss of my best friend but there was a reason for it. Instead of praying for God to take away the pain, I need to pray for God to change my heart to handle the pain in my life. The softening of my heart for the Lord and his plan can only bring me closer even in the times of pain. Where are you with asking...

March 13, 2017 Today I turn 21 which for most is a birthday marking a huge milestone in one's life. For me, it's a day of classes, homework and studying. At then end of my day, I will sit down and eat dinner with Kit Kat and spend sometime with my best friend. Other than that, today will pass like any other day. I find myself odd that I don't make a bigger deal out of my birthday but to me it's just another day. Out of the past 364, it seems normal like any other day but yet I have waited for it until now. But now, I'm kinda over it. While birthdays are big deals to most and this one especially, I'll let this milestone go. What is the next milestone in your life? xoxo, Em