How a White Girl Does Life

As I am sitting in Panera eating lunch, it dawns on me that I was having a whole conversation with myself this morning about a post I was going to write. Needless to say, I didn't actually remember until right now. Since I visited my alma mater (that's weird) this past week, I have had to do a lot of self-reflecting on where I am in this stage of my life. Most people, either friends from undergrad or pharmacy school are married, engaged or in committed relationships and I am sitting here single as a pringle. Let me tell ya it does not feel good. However, one of my friends, I'm not sure which told me that to find the relationship I desire that I need to have joy and contentment in this stage. That really got me thinking about where I am and who I perceive God to be in my life. So often, I find myself angry that I prayed for something and God didn't answer my prayer or do so in the timely fashion I had hoped. This causes me to put God in a genie bottle and say that I

Yesterday, my dad sent me the beginning of the rules he lives his life by or life lesson he has learned along the way. I appreciated all of them but the last one stuck out to me in particular. Rule Ten: Remember where you came from and who you are.  As I have really pondered this idea since I started school, I came back to it yesterday. Who am I? Where do I come from? What do I want to represent in life? These are questions that beg for answers far greater than I can suffice. I spent all of high school wondering who I was but found my stride in college. Quite frankly since coming to professional school, I have started to wonder the same thing. How do I live like Jesus and love the people around me when it is the exact opposite of the culture? Don't we ask ourselves this all the time. Or maybe, it's just me. As a Christian, I constantly ask myself how do I live as Christ in a world ran by the devil? I really don't have an answer. Shocker. I don't know everythin

We all have our kryptonite, right? That one thing that gets us. Whether it's ice cream or a person, we have something. For me, it's a person. And I love him. Just saying that out loud is hard. We haven't had the easiest friendship for the four years of undergrad and the last couple of years were murky with feelings. When I graduated, we didn't talk and I had lost my closest guy friend that was a big rock in my life for a long time. Granted, there were big parts of my life he missed as I got into pharmacy school and what not but somehow he always ends up back in my life. I have truly questioned if it is the best decision or if I should just let him be. Every time, my heart and this voices tells me to let him in. He is my kryptonite. We fight. We don't talk. We come back. Then, we talk. I realize I still love him. I miss him not being in my life. I start to question again why. Why is he in my life? Why this season? Or why the last? It's not that I question

Sitting in class this morning, we decided that we were going to learn about suicide. The thing that I thought I left in my past after March 14th of 2016. Then as I was sitting, listening and learning, I realized that I have the chance to use my experience to help others. Which I guess, I always thought was the goal after overcoming my struggle. I thought I was supposed to be able to talk about my issues and help others. However, that is easier said then done most of the time. It isn't easy to directly ask someone if they are struggling with suicidal thoughts or ideation. When we don't ask or talk about it just emphasizes the stigma. I guess my question is that while I learn about transitioning into professional school why did I think I needed to leave my past behind? It is a part of who I am and what I have overcome in my life. I feel like I should use it. Talk about it. The more even ONE person talks about their past and their issues the more it will help even one pers

Today was the first day of the rest of my life. How cliche right? I had orientation today for pharmacy school. Honestly, it was overwhelming. It was a lot of information and new people. It was a lot of change. I realized that I don't like change. Maybe that's because I don't know what is going to happen in the change or how I could change in the face of adversity. Yet after church yesterday, I think I found some answers that gave me solitude for today. God is never changing. God is already there. God has already though 5 steps ahead and through plans A-Z. He knows every step that I am going to take whether it is good or bad. He knows that when things get back I will cry and when things are good I will still probably cry. Let's face it pharmacy school isn't easy. The next four years are going to be a lot of change. Maybe of me. Maybe not. Yet being afraid of the change does me no good. I have to learn to embrace it which is hard. I have also learned something

I'll admit when I was in high school, I was a wannabe. I wanted to fit it. Be popular. Be homecoming queen. All things that never happened. I spent most of middle and high school as the fat girl, the band nerd or the girl in academic bowl. No matter what I did I was always the outcast. I thought it would be different when I went to college. Halfway through college, I realized something huge. It does NOT matter how much I "fit in" because I was made the way I am for a reason. My story was written a specific order for a reason. I still struggled though with my own self worth and self image. Every time I looked in a mirror I hated that I wasn't small enough or pretty enough. I didn't fit the right stereotype. I was either too pretty to be smart or too smart to be pretty. I spent so much time searching for validation in my relationships with guys. I thought I had to have someone tell me I was good enough. As I sat in church on Sunday, I realized something huge