How a White Girl Does Life

September 29, 2016 It's 7:45 am and I am waiting for my class to start but on my way to class this morning I realized how cold, rainy and gloomy today was going to be. But you know what? I am very happy this morning! Lately, I have been learning what it means to really see the good in the bad. Otherwise, I become self-absorbed and dense.  That is not what I want and I'm sure you don't either. Then the question is, how do we see the good in the bad? Or as I like to put it, the rainbows in the midst of rain? We have all have those moments where our lives seem like we have a rain cloud following us around. That rain cloud is Satan trying to show us all the bad things about our lives. However, there is a rainbow to bring us light and that is Christ. I never paid attention to the fact that God is a source of goodness and light through every trial of my life. I should have paid more attention to the fact when I was throwing my pity party about being single. That's whe...

September 16, 2016 My whole life I have struggled with my self worth and there are some days like today when the struggle rears its ugly head. When the guy you kinda find attractive comes to ask for advice about another girl. Who just so happens to be younger and then once again it dawns on me that the guy I like picked a younger girl over me. All the thoughts of not being good enough come rushing back into my mind. Why aren't I enough? Am I not pretty enough? Smart enough? I never get an answer. Only rejection. Boys suck. That is my life motto but now I'm starting to wonder if I'm the problem not them. Which is sad because who I am shouldn't be rooted in how much boys like me. With society the way it is though, it's hard as a female for it now to be. I hate that it has become a normal to expect that guys won't like me back. That self-loathing and self-rejection is lethal to a female with self-worth issues. Then the voices in my head tell me it's tim...

September 8, 2016 Yesterday, I had a conversation that I wasn't expecting to have and it went better than expected. Sometimes, you expect the worst in people and then they surprise you. Then, I realized how much a horrible person I can be by judging someone based on my emotions. (Bad life choice!) Then, I once again have a realization that pushing people out because of others isn't right but how often do we find ourselves doing it? Or how often do we justify it because of our anger and emotions? Too often, we let our emotions make our decisions instead of trying to be reasonable or logical about the situation. It can be hard to "check" ourselves when we know that we will be wrong or our actions will be. However, it can be redeeming to realize that you're wrong and move past it. While it can be awkward to have those conversations, the freedom that comes from them is unexplainable sometimes. I was wrong. Very wrong. I judged and then I realized I didn't ...

September 6, 2016 As I was driving with my oboe sister around this morning and afternoon, it dawned how I also want to go forward and then go right back to square one. How can anything change when every time I want to go forward I take one step forward and then I go back to how things were before. After a while, I realize how nothing has changed and get frustrated. I never took the time to realize that part of that was me. I have to learn that baby steps are important and as small as they might be every small step forward is a step forward. Right now, things are hard and crazy but I have to find a way forward. Life is a constantly changing process and that means that who I am is changing and the people in my life are changing too. Friends come and go. No matter how hard that might be to believe that someone isn't a part of my life. Staying in square one is the same frustrating process over and over again. All it does is create pain and aggravation. What's the point of...

September 4, 2016 What do you do when you have a heart to heart screaming match with someone you love and they don't listen to anything you thought you had talked about? I thought he understood. I learned I was wrong. As many times as I have talked at him, he doesn't understand. I thought this time was different. (Wrong again). The pain continues. I thought I could handle him picking her. I was wrong a third time. (Notice a pattern?) The idea of her drove me crazy. The photos of them aggravated me. Seeing him kiss her; tore my heart out of my chest. That pain when you can physically feel your heart strings breaking. It sucks. What makes it worse? I told him how I feel. That I love him too much to stand by and watch him get hurt. What did he say? Nothing. "I'm drawing a blank." Fill your blank space with leaving my heart alone. I'm at a loss of how to make him understand how much he hurts me. I can't watch him pick her. I cannot pick up the pieces...

September 1, 2016 Recently, I have learned what it means to let go of people who you don't necessarily want to but I have had to. How I said that there are best friends worth the heart break? It's sad to see someone who was my best friend become someone I don't even want to see. I have realized how incredibly hard it is to watch someone chose someone else over you. Then, they continue to act as if nothing is wrong or nothing ever happened. This was the point when he became a hi, bye, how are you friend. I can't keep emotionally investing in him when I know that he doesn't return the investment. It is so incredibly difficult to watch him make that investment in someone else. However, for my own emotional stability I had to let him go. If you love something set it free, right? So I love him and I have to let him go. Do I want to, no. Do I need to, yes. For now, I avoid him because it hurts too much to see him. Someday it won't hurt. Someday I will find s...