How a White Girl Does Life

February 29, 2016 Today only comes around once every four years so what do you do with a WHOLE extra day? I have never given much thought to a leap day but today is special because God is working in funny ways. He calls people to do crazy things. For me, it is trying to build a ministry from the ground up about mental health advocacy and chipping at the stigma of mental health. As my team and I have been praying, building and working on starting this ministry we wanted to be acknowledged by our university and we gave them until the end of February to get back to us. Today, we have a meeting with them. (God has a humor. A singular humor pointed at my friends and I). On a leap day that only comes around once every four years, God has given us today to take a leap into the process of trying to build this ministry. How does that freaking happen??  God made it happen. Well... shoot. Alright, time for big girl boots and big decisions in how this ministry is going to grow. I have ha

February 23, 2016 Robert Frost said "two roads diverge in a yellow wood" but what if there are like five roads? I have found that God does funny things sometimes. Where there are five or six different roads or doors to pick from and how do you know which one to pick? For example, I have found that I want to go to pharmacy school but how do I know if it is right? I am following one road that I feel God is calling me to. From there, I just jump into faith of what God is doing in my life. I have learned that I won't fully understand everything that He does. Only that my life is in God's plan and timing. (His timing is perfect, you know?) Can you believe that? The God who created the whole universe knows you and me. Who we are, what our life is going to be like and everything we do wrong. Guess what? God still loves us and knows us and is in control. Another diverging road is where do I devote my time outside of class? With marching band, orchestra, trying to star

February 19, 2016 Today is like any other day. Except, today I do not want to eat. I want to curl up in a ball, cry and never come out. Today is a low day for me. Today my brain decided that it didn't want to make enough dopamine. So no matter how hard I try, it will be almost impossible for me to be happy and smiley. I hate these days. It's days like today where I question everything. What am I doing with my life? Why am I here? Why do I have the flaws that I do? Why am I not good enough? So many questions and no answers. I look at the semicolon ring on my finger and remember to keep going. Even on days like today, keep going! There is more to life than just today. Right? Honestly, I don't know sometimes. How can I overthink so many things at one time? I make my life so much harder than I need to. If I could just turn it off, life would be easier. That's not how it works though, is it? I know there are people who love and support me but on days like today,

February 18, 2018 Today I changed what I want to do with my life. For the last year and a half I wanted to be a forensic toxicologist but today I realized that's not what I wanted to do. I want to be a pharmacist. Most people hear of pharmacy and only think of the money behind it but what about the medicine of it? The chemistry of it? I love that part of it! When someone is sick and I will be able to find medication to help them. I just want to help people and have found that pharmacy is how I can do that. You would think that when I found a passion in my life that my family would be supportive. However, the second I deviate from the plan my mother has for my life it falls apart. Why can't I do what makes me happy? I know it's not going to be easy. But anything worth having isn't easy. Can't they just understand that? I guess not. My whole life I have bent over backwards to please other people and do what they want. However, I have realized what about me? Se

February 18, 2016 This morning in chapel we heard about how stereotypes add to racism in society today. The more our chaplain talked the more I thought about the different labels we give people everyday. As much of a laugh as being a basic white girl is, I may dress in scarves, cardigans, and boots but I'm not a dumb blonde. Was Elle Woods my role model growing up? Yes! However, I have learned that while I might be blonde I'm not a dumb one most times and I'm not just a basic white girl either. I struggle with self-esteem issues, so don't think that I am saying that I am by any means smarter than you, i.e. the person reading this. I am saying that as a Chemistry major I like science and to learn. I may not always use my brain but it's there. And since today is the day that our school newspaper is writing about me and one of my best friends' struggles I will lay it out here. I have struggled with my self-esteem my whole life and what size I am. In my eyes

February 15, 2016 Two in one day? This won't happen very often but I have something on my mind that I can't hold onto anymore. Today I found out that I lost a family member's four year-old yesterday. How can God do that? She had her whole life ahead of her and before you know it she's gone. Why? I want to be so mad at God but I know his timing is perfect. 2 Peter 3:8 talks about how God's timing is so different from ours and it is which is why we don't understand it. I hate not understanding things. If I don't know why it kills me. As a friend told me, when you don't know what to do. Pray. I cry out the anger and frustration and kneel at the cross and surrender everything. When there is nothing else there is God. A loving God. So I walk with God and question but at the end of the night know that God is good all the time and all the time God is good. I have learned that God does what he wants in his perfect plan and I don't understand it. I mi

February 15, 2016 I always said blogging was stupid and was for the Serena Van Der Woodsens of the world. If you don't know who SVDW is then you haven't watched Gossip Girl, the white girl staple Netflix binge. However, I find myself as a SVDW writing my own blog. Why am I writing a blog? This is how I can cope with the pain of white girl life. Instead of using self-harm to tear my body apart I can use words to express myself. Basic white girl, right? I make no promises about the niceness or the morbidity of what some posts will bring but it will be me. White girl moments and all. Here I am. Almost 20, still trying to figure out who I am and what God's plan is for me. I will never fully understand how or why He does things, only that He does. All I ask is that as you read, you learn who I am and walk this life with me. Good, bad, and everything in between. Are you ready to take a leap of faith into the unknown of tomorrow? I am. xoxo, Em